Rihana to Feker - Shi amet ayenor - Lost!

Mitiye, i know this blog is long overdue, and sadly it's really not even going to be an actual fully written text. I'll be going out in a couple of minutes, but i figured i should put a few words rather than non at all. It sure feels like it has been a long time.

I will not try to even attempt to explain what i'm feeling, or what i've been feeling for the past couple of days. Could i call it confusion? Maybe. But this is more...serious? It is somehow feeling lost... somehow being so unsure?... not unsure, maybe a feeling of floating in the air with no apparent direction. I feel so unsettled.

I hate feeling this way especially know that Mamo has been nothing but wonderful to me. but my brain seems to be going off to places way to often. I also feel terrible, since i'm in no way ready for ramadan which is suppose to start a day after tomorrow.

A couple days ago i got an email from Agu. He was responding to one of my emails and you know what he said to me? He said " Johan, i sense that your 'and shi amet ayenor' attitude has left you." You know what? He is right. Before, even when i was feeling like that attitude was leaving me,it wasn't all that bad because i, at least, could recall that i had such an attitude. Welahi Mitisha, when he said it to me this time, i felt like he was talking about a different person - i had forgotten that i was infact like that. In a wierd way those very simple and seemingly narrowminded words had been part of who i was, and that part had been a fabulous part of me. What happened? Has this country already gotten deep in my vains in already a few years to change my very being? Am i going to wake up every ones in a couple years to realize that i've lost one or another part of me. Am i going to wake up one day having lost the very best part of me - my very essence?

My thoughts are flying everywhere and Oh God i have a million and one things to tell you. I'm so scared to start off this year. who am i going to go to when i need to vent, when i need to just dis everything and everyone off. Welayi, mechem allah alegn, men elalew. I'm still not registered for classes, and for some reason i feel so unsure of everything - in regards to school - It's just wierd. I'm hoping ones i settle in my dorm i'll have more things figured out, insha allah. But you sure will be missed, my love. No words can tell you how much.

Oh God, you know what else. Mitiye, one thing i use to love about myslef ( ofcourse it's one among many lol) was that i was satisfied with who i was, what i was becoming, and what i had. In a wierd sort of way, i was content. I use to imagine being asked by someone - " if you could be reborn again, who would you want to come back as?" And i would imagine myself, smiling and looking fabulous, answer - " myself" and believing it a hundred persent!!! It has been a while since i have had this conversation in my head, and when i even get the guts to ask it, i hear myself saying "myself" but not believing it. The funny part is that for the normal eye, i am at a much more "better" place than i was three years ago. shouldn't i be more content? shouldn't i be happier?

Becha Mitiye, i think Mamo is ready to go out. I can't wait til i get to a better place to write more. I should go, I love you.

Feker to Rihana: Confused Me

Mitiye,

I wanted to start off by saying how proud of you I am. Somehow, you've found the balance for everything; friends, a relationship, work and family. Its always my fear for us all that should we find ourselves in a new situation, we sort of loose sight of the whole picture. I don't know know why I'm even babbling about this but it just hit me that you haven't fallen prey to this fear of mine, and i'm all the more happy and grateful to you for that.

Aleme, the subject of today's post goes roughly like this ... I am SO confused. I find myself gravitating away from my one passion and its sneaking up on me without my realization. Everyday I find myself getting used to a certain say of living, meeting new people, friends ... creating my own circle of friends and family here in this country. A relative of mine had said that if I started working here I'm sucked in for good and darling, the me then had scoffed at his comment. Ato Masresha had sent me that excerpt and though I had understood where the author was coming from, yet again, I had considered myself above all that. Mitiye, I woke up today and can you believe it ... for the first time I was scared of forgetting. Home is becoming like a dream to me, you know, the type which gives you tingles when you think about it but you can't really grasp if you reach out for it. Out of the blue, at the wedding, dancing to Tilahun's "Abiyisiada", it hit me that it'll probably be another year before I get to go there and suddenly this fear that I can't really describe seized me. Mitiye, I think I've lost confidence in myself or the cause we've talked about so often. When I was in college, even if I was thousands of miles away, I still felt connected somehow. But these days, mitiye, these days I don't even know. I think the constant talk of famine, chigir, dirq, yenuro widinet have taken their toll. Darling, what to do? I think this is a first for me. Ever so often I would try and try to imagine my life wedefit, and darling, believe it or not, all I see is blank. Bicha mitiye, dunno. It might be PMS that's making me babble on, it maybe not. I wish I were one of those people who had five, ten, twenty year plans. I wish I could have a clear picture of what I wanted to do and who to spend the rest of my life with. At the moment all I see is just fragments of my futre floating everywhere. Engidih ihen yahil kaderekush yibekashal. I know this might not be the best of times to reply, try your best, me misses reading you. Wedishalew.

Feker to Rihana: Chameleon aka 'isist'

Darling,

If you're thinking 'why is she letting it get to her like this?' ... I'm surprised as you are. You might have already guessed where I'm getting at. Yesterday was like not a slap on my face mitish, it was more like 'yechama tifi'. I couldn't believe this feeling of betrayal that shook me to the core. Darling, I remember on one of your posts you had said, 'people don't deliver' and I had agreed 100%. But sometimes darling, this fickle thing that is our heart manages to get us hurt? dissapointed? yet again. Mitiye, the saddest part of the story is NONE of the people should merit such thoughts, anger, hurt from me. They are a bunch of hypocrites with their own twisted views of life. And I guess what is pissing me off is that I had believed otherwise. 'Neg bene' aydelem yagere sew yalew? I had heard people ridicule this woman in particular for her actions and I had just brushed them off as 'yabesha paranoia' eventhough deep down I sort of knew she was a exactly what they said she was. But the lady, atleast in the past, had been sweet to ME, mind you, ME. Bicha mitiye min libelish, cheguaraye latttt yalew eko not because she judged me per se but because i was judged by someone such as she, who claims to be 'yegzer beg' and yet, darling, min waga alew? I wonder if people like her realize their double existence before they pass off ... even for a second ... mitiye yibkagn, I needed to vent one last time before I put her out of my mind for good. Like you said, its small things like these that make us bitter in the end. And that mi love, is something we can't afford. I love you ... thank you for not judging me even when i'm my most irrational self (hehe ... hint hint last night).

Feker to Rihana: light or heavy?

My love,

I realized, after our brief chat yesterday, how much it sucks you're not going to be nearby. Suddenly, I reminisced on our college days ... you see already arejehu ... reminisce minamin. But all jokes aside, I kept on thinking how the past few years are a luxury we were lucky to afford. All we did was argue about our thoughts, beliefs, pretty much anything under the sun. We also laughed. GOD! Laugh we did! And that's when it hit me ... I wonder if we'll ever laugh like that again. You know? the type that has you running to the bathroom or me rolling on the floor. Come what may, I just wanted to say how much I will cherish those days.

Title of the book from last time: "The unbearable lightness of being." Mitiye, its a must read. I haven't finished it yet gin I'm hooked. If I'm not mistaken he raises issues I've always ponedered. He compares a life of light burden with a life of heavy burden ... chooses the latter because a life of lightness is unbearable. I've always wondered mitiye, if say the people on 'Laguna Beach' would claim to have lived life like the resident of Gaza. Now, I'm not trying to romanticize poverty or war ... I think it was one of Sidney Sheldon's book where he says "Poverty is only romantic in the books". I do believe that but I mean c'mon mitisha, norin lilu new? You remember that article on Seleda (inkuan ... so what if i've memorized every story on the site! ;) ... about the guy who used to work with refugees on the Ethio-Kenyan border but whose parents sent him here for college? He says that his happiest days were in the desert, even though he has done quite well in the land of plenty. Mi love, my question to you then, a life of lightness or burden?

Feker to Rihana: Rehearsal for Life

My dearest darling,

I swear Mitish there are very few things these days that make my day as seeing a post from you, dear friend. To jump right to the 'kumneger', all my life I had imagined that with 'the' guy I would, somehow, just know he was the one. Like you put so beautifully, BULLSHIT! It can't get any more Disney than that. Hode, I know these past few weeks have been kind of stressful, more so because like we said you ARE new to this. But more than that mitiye, I think we've been so conditioned to think that relationships don't need effort. Well babe, the friendships I used to think were effortless are proving to be challenging as well, never mind relationships. I know what you're thinking, some friendships are easier to maintain than others true, and maybe some relationships too but the truth of the matter is, it needs work, dedication, patience ... you can fill all the tiresome adjectives.

Mitiye, one thing though, I so wish this thing called loneliness did not exist. Its a human side that I wish I could just shove aside. Sadly its there. One writer said about death, "Most things may never happen, this one will." So is it true for loneliness I guess. But my question is "What is the price to pay?" I guess you've already gathered that I'm gonna be asking more questions, instead of giving you answers. I had believed in the kind of love that you see someone and you just KNEW that he was it. Hun, I honestly don't believe that exists. And its ok I guess ... not as romantic but all the same, life. What's important is to make a distinction between fairy tales and

Its weird that I should be reading this book at this moment because the author breaks it down real good.
"Was it better to be with Tereza or to remain alone?"
"There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, 'sketch' is not quite the word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture."
"What happens but once, says the German adage, might as well not have happened at all. If we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all."

Aleme, while I don't particulary agree with his last point, there is some truth to his words. Sometimes life is so ridiculous to the point of hilarity. With some mistakes you can amend, with other chances, you are only given one and you hope to God you don't mess it up. Is that fair? Of course not but fairness has never been a word associated with life.

But darling, I do believe in one thing with all my heart. And that is our ability to make our lives the best it can be, even when other people are taking part in it. And in you more than scores of people, I have complete confidence of that strength. All you have to do, as cliche and ammateur as it sounds, is listen to yourself.

Mitish, I can't tell you how I was cracking up while reading your post. Especially about the "guy your dad was close friends with" and the "God like whisper in the middle of the night". LOL! I'm telling you, those novels might have screwed us up in more ways than we thought. Bicha Egzer alelin. Wedishalew darling, and hoping to read you soon!!! muaaaaaaaaaaah

Nafakish,
Ke gizatachin.

P.S. I knew you were a bit ticked off when you signed off as "Rihana" ... sounds so foreing lol

Rihana to Feker - To commit or not to commit

My dearest friend,

So finally Dell has decided to be kind enough to send me a new laptop which actually works, Alhamdulilah, lets just hope it stays that way. Mitisha, i'm at the office right now, keep in mind it's a Sunday afternoon, and i'm trying to do some decent sort of work. Well, the fact that i'm writing this to you shows that i'm not really succeeding at that.
Mitiye, i don't think i have ever been so confused about anything in my entire life ( the confusion resulting from what we discussed last night over the phone - i know we discussed a lot of thing, but i think you'll know what i'm talking about as you read on.) The question for today my deer is To commit or not to commit.

Oh my love, how wonderful it is to be single. What a relief it is to have nothing to lose, to not be responsible for another individual, to simply live for yourself, being the best person you know how, and just... you know that feeling where you have everything under your control, to wake up in the morning and know what you're going to be doing for the rest of the day, to know that you are the one and only individual who can harm yourself, thereby decreasing to the minimum the risk of pain and disappointment. You have everything and everyone at a distance and you can be your fabulous self, and not care. Period.

I know of course there are those nights within which you crave for another humans touch. where loneliness creeps up and makes you question that very fabulous self which has always been on 'the straight path.' We have said it so many times, loneliness is not something which we can easily adopt to, like yagerochachen sewoch endemilut - meches men yemayelemed neger ale? - Well, i don't know if loneliness can be counted within this group. I wonder if anyone of us can ever get use to that feeling where our bodies are screaming for affection, where our emotions seek deep understanding, where for a few scary minutes, nothing matters under the sun except having a significant other next to you...

And then comes the question of who that significant other must be. Is that touch i crave for each night expected to come from a specific kind of individual? Or are relationships much more than the touch, the security, the simple beautiful moments of bliss you share with that person?

...Yet again, even before we get to the kind of individual, i guess there is that question i had hoped to raise earlier - that question of whether or not to give up that wonderful feeling of 'singlhood.' For the fist time in my life i think i understand exactly what that really means. Are we to be so terrified of loneliness so much that we bring in so many complication in our lives just to avoid it? If i chose to be single, am i risking too much? Will i be one of those women my mom talks about - rasachewen semay seklew komew yehew keru! - yemibaluten. Will i regret that decision i've made of going only after my career in a couple years and realize that it was simply not worth it? Should we just give up on the human's ability to stand up just on its own?

… after making that decision of crossing the line between being single and being two, who and what is the other individual suppose to be? Should i be satisfied if he satisfies me and only me, or should i make sure that he goes beyond that and satisfies my - mom, uncles, aunts, brother, friends, my friends families, professors, my fellow workers, financial advisor, that man my dad was close friends with, even that guy I’ll meet while i'm having coffee at starbucks - because… i can picture the scene... “why exactly are you with this man?” the starbucks dude asks me... i pose for a second, and that pose says it all, no further explanation needed ...

Why am i not so certain, why do i think of everyone's opinion except my own?
... and of course there is that incident where you find that 'Mr. Perfect' but in his case he becomes that to everyone else except you. He fails to get up in the middle of the night to go get you cold water because he has that research to work on first thing in the morning, he lacks to understand that him showing his vulnerability does not mean he's showing his weakness, he lacks to impress you even when he has himself placed within the cream of the crop. With such a man, you go to sleep each night being thankful for the life God has given you, because such a life mostly comes with security and predictability, but that same night you wonder if that true love they write about, in fact, exists. If you are lucky you'll be given the ability to brush such thoughts out of your head and live your 'good' life, if you're not so lucky you'll have convinced yourself that true love is only a fairy tale created for the entertainment of the mind, nothing really- only fantasy - and you will have lived the life lived by millions - void of pure love, real intimacy, dedication and inner joy. The sad thing is, no matter how bad I’ve attempted to make this sound unattractive - how easy it is! you receive approval from your surrounding, you deny your naive self and convince yourself of the truth contrary to your initial 'idealistic' beliefs. Really, what more would i want if i'm successful when it comes to my financial stability, if i have the handsome and educated husband, my Mercedes and a house with a backyard. Isn't this what i should want? Isn't this what i want? Is it? I don't know. What is it that's going to matter 20 years from now?

Oh mitisha, it's just too much sometimes to even begin to think about. If i reread this blog even i wouldn't be able to understand what i've been blabbering on and on about. For now, i'm telling myself to see what each day brings and to not overstress...

oh yeah and also, what's that bullshit that people talk about - YOU JUST KNOW it's the right person! I've never heard anything so ridiculous!!! what the heck happens to those of us who haven't been able to 'just know'. are we somehow deprived of an instinct that the few lucky ones have been given? Are we yet suppose to feel somehow inadequate? If my logical self hasn't made me get to a certain conclusion, am i suppose to wait for some sort of a sign which will tell me what my next action should be? By the way, does it come in a whisper in the night or some sort of a loud God sounding voice telling me - He's the one? really, what should i expect? This would be a good tip to have, i mean i wouldn't want to not been alert enough to miss the sign, do i? So please why don't these - 'you just know' communities share their wisdom? Bullshit! - that's what i think it is, you just don't know. you live and you see, you work hard on relationships and you become honest about what it is you really want in your life, you stop being a hypocrite and embrace the ideas you've been preaching all your life. There is no way you just know. You take time and then you know... after that, maybe, you pray to the all mighty that you're done your best to find the perfect mate, after that point, he will hopefully take over...

I hope i'm not sounding bitter, because i'm really not. I am confused - i can't deny that and i wish i could just crawl under my bed and stay there for the next six month... well i guess that's not reality and that doesn't show the strength i say that i have. so i'll pray and i'll just wait and see...

Awaiting your reply,
Rihana

P.S uff, it sure does feel good to vent!