Sunday, August 3, 2008

Rihana to Feker - To commit or not to commit

My dearest friend,

So finally Dell has decided to be kind enough to send me a new laptop which actually works, Alhamdulilah, lets just hope it stays that way. Mitisha, i'm at the office right now, keep in mind it's a Sunday afternoon, and i'm trying to do some decent sort of work. Well, the fact that i'm writing this to you shows that i'm not really succeeding at that.
Mitiye, i don't think i have ever been so confused about anything in my entire life ( the confusion resulting from what we discussed last night over the phone - i know we discussed a lot of thing, but i think you'll know what i'm talking about as you read on.) The question for today my deer is To commit or not to commit.

Oh my love, how wonderful it is to be single. What a relief it is to have nothing to lose, to not be responsible for another individual, to simply live for yourself, being the best person you know how, and just... you know that feeling where you have everything under your control, to wake up in the morning and know what you're going to be doing for the rest of the day, to know that you are the one and only individual who can harm yourself, thereby decreasing to the minimum the risk of pain and disappointment. You have everything and everyone at a distance and you can be your fabulous self, and not care. Period.

I know of course there are those nights within which you crave for another humans touch. where loneliness creeps up and makes you question that very fabulous self which has always been on 'the straight path.' We have said it so many times, loneliness is not something which we can easily adopt to, like yagerochachen sewoch endemilut - meches men yemayelemed neger ale? - Well, i don't know if loneliness can be counted within this group. I wonder if anyone of us can ever get use to that feeling where our bodies are screaming for affection, where our emotions seek deep understanding, where for a few scary minutes, nothing matters under the sun except having a significant other next to you...

And then comes the question of who that significant other must be. Is that touch i crave for each night expected to come from a specific kind of individual? Or are relationships much more than the touch, the security, the simple beautiful moments of bliss you share with that person?

...Yet again, even before we get to the kind of individual, i guess there is that question i had hoped to raise earlier - that question of whether or not to give up that wonderful feeling of 'singlhood.' For the fist time in my life i think i understand exactly what that really means. Are we to be so terrified of loneliness so much that we bring in so many complication in our lives just to avoid it? If i chose to be single, am i risking too much? Will i be one of those women my mom talks about - rasachewen semay seklew komew yehew keru! - yemibaluten. Will i regret that decision i've made of going only after my career in a couple years and realize that it was simply not worth it? Should we just give up on the human's ability to stand up just on its own?

… after making that decision of crossing the line between being single and being two, who and what is the other individual suppose to be? Should i be satisfied if he satisfies me and only me, or should i make sure that he goes beyond that and satisfies my - mom, uncles, aunts, brother, friends, my friends families, professors, my fellow workers, financial advisor, that man my dad was close friends with, even that guy I’ll meet while i'm having coffee at starbucks - because… i can picture the scene... “why exactly are you with this man?” the starbucks dude asks me... i pose for a second, and that pose says it all, no further explanation needed ...

Why am i not so certain, why do i think of everyone's opinion except my own?
... and of course there is that incident where you find that 'Mr. Perfect' but in his case he becomes that to everyone else except you. He fails to get up in the middle of the night to go get you cold water because he has that research to work on first thing in the morning, he lacks to understand that him showing his vulnerability does not mean he's showing his weakness, he lacks to impress you even when he has himself placed within the cream of the crop. With such a man, you go to sleep each night being thankful for the life God has given you, because such a life mostly comes with security and predictability, but that same night you wonder if that true love they write about, in fact, exists. If you are lucky you'll be given the ability to brush such thoughts out of your head and live your 'good' life, if you're not so lucky you'll have convinced yourself that true love is only a fairy tale created for the entertainment of the mind, nothing really- only fantasy - and you will have lived the life lived by millions - void of pure love, real intimacy, dedication and inner joy. The sad thing is, no matter how bad I’ve attempted to make this sound unattractive - how easy it is! you receive approval from your surrounding, you deny your naive self and convince yourself of the truth contrary to your initial 'idealistic' beliefs. Really, what more would i want if i'm successful when it comes to my financial stability, if i have the handsome and educated husband, my Mercedes and a house with a backyard. Isn't this what i should want? Isn't this what i want? Is it? I don't know. What is it that's going to matter 20 years from now?

Oh mitisha, it's just too much sometimes to even begin to think about. If i reread this blog even i wouldn't be able to understand what i've been blabbering on and on about. For now, i'm telling myself to see what each day brings and to not overstress...

oh yeah and also, what's that bullshit that people talk about - YOU JUST KNOW it's the right person! I've never heard anything so ridiculous!!! what the heck happens to those of us who haven't been able to 'just know'. are we somehow deprived of an instinct that the few lucky ones have been given? Are we yet suppose to feel somehow inadequate? If my logical self hasn't made me get to a certain conclusion, am i suppose to wait for some sort of a sign which will tell me what my next action should be? By the way, does it come in a whisper in the night or some sort of a loud God sounding voice telling me - He's the one? really, what should i expect? This would be a good tip to have, i mean i wouldn't want to not been alert enough to miss the sign, do i? So please why don't these - 'you just know' communities share their wisdom? Bullshit! - that's what i think it is, you just don't know. you live and you see, you work hard on relationships and you become honest about what it is you really want in your life, you stop being a hypocrite and embrace the ideas you've been preaching all your life. There is no way you just know. You take time and then you know... after that, maybe, you pray to the all mighty that you're done your best to find the perfect mate, after that point, he will hopefully take over...

I hope i'm not sounding bitter, because i'm really not. I am confused - i can't deny that and i wish i could just crawl under my bed and stay there for the next six month... well i guess that's not reality and that doesn't show the strength i say that i have. so i'll pray and i'll just wait and see...

Awaiting your reply,
Rihana

P.S uff, it sure does feel good to vent!

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