I'm in a writing mood, that's the only reason I decided to do this. Please don't be surprised if I run out of ideas and click on 'publish post'! So I was thinking about your voyage to the motherland, not the christmas one but the permanent one. And it got me thinking about a lot of things. It made me realize one thing above all. Mitisha, there is a great feeling about being a student, especially a student in a college like Mount Holyoke. When I was there, I had the luxury to put people outside our little bubble under a microscope and analyze them all I wanted. I made judgements, I sympathized, judged some more and in some cases, I learned. All those habeshas in Boston, DC, LA, Atlanta were mine to scoff at or admire. Seleda provided that outlet, a chance to glimpse at the life of yound, professional Ethiopians. Frankly, I loved my bubble even when I swore at How Sadly. I left college and lo and behold, I found myself under that same microscope, and I no longer had the luxury to do the examining. I was - say it - tera zega. I remember the deep dissapointment, bordering on despair, I felt the day my boss told me one of my job descriptions would be to order food and wine for cocktails we would be hosting. I said to myself, 'bekit kuch yiluachiual indih new'. So I went home and blurted it all out to Bele (he was here then) and even as I said the words out loud, I was embarassed by my silliness. So I sucked it up and last week I realized how rewarding work could be. Nothing special, I helped someone with a paper to be published soon. I actually used my brain for that one! But aleme, all this to say that lijinet is beautiful and sometimes we really shouldn't be so hard on oursleves. Sometimes the way I makabed things you would think the world (or atleast Ethiopia) would collapse if I didn't do this thing at such and such time. Sometimes, it's perfectly fine to stop and smell the flowers (or buna in my case). Another thing as well, both what Vinnie said and Henock repeatedly stresses, is the value in educating ourselves. Mitiye, if we believe in ourselves enough to KNOW we will be big shots one day, we have to know what we're going to preach about right? So all we can do at the moment is invest in oursleves, and leave the rest to God and fate (the latter, however strongly we believe we have control over, I'm still a firm believer of ye 40 qen idil).
Luv ya ;)
Monday, December 8, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Rihana to Feker - " What are you going to do with the rest of your life?"
Darling,
I really don't have time to be writing this, but if i don't, i'll hate myself in a couple years. You know those realizations i tell you about - how i feel like i've known about something for so long, but only understand it fully at a later time. I guess it's what they call having a new insight.
I was in Vinnie's political economy class this morning and we were discussing globalization and other related topics. Vinnie has this thing were- if you give a comment he automatically starts playing the devil's advocate and pushes you... and does it to the extent were every single students ends up stuttering at the end - it's really insane. But what happens is, at the end of class you are filled with so many questions you don't know the answers to. He never gives us the answer – of course most of the time its because there isn't one. They are dilemma’s that people constantly need to deal with and there are so many pros and cons to every situation, that getting a conclusion simply becomes impossible or requires deep analysis - very deep time consuming analysis. The journey, apparently, is suppose to be as sweet as anything can be, filled with constant inspiration and delight.
So, what has been happening is, i've been getting so frustrated at the end of each class that i really get pissed off. Today, a couple of us stayed after class and talked to him about some of the class topics and other 'life' things in general. At one point, i told him about my frustration because we never leave with answers. He laughed and told that it is because there really aren't any right or wrong answers - ok i said - understandable. But then something else he said hit me - he said - i'm paraphrasing - listen, the more you learn and the more you are able to analyze different situations the more you realized that you'll find more questions than answers. He added - you have the rest of your life, you just need to be dedicated and motivated enough to keep learning. I nodded, not feeling very satisfied - i knew these things already. But you know what else he said - you have the rest of your life, what else are you going to do with it?! Mitisha, it hit me - he's right! We've been going to school for all our lives, we don't know anything else but. Even you are in a similar situation because you still have gradshcool in mind. But after all of that is done - what are you going to do with the rest of your life? Of course we will get married, have kids and all of that stuff, but if you think about it, we have families now but we still need something more. Even then a husband and kids will only take a given amount of both our time and our energy - we're still going to want something more. What better way to spend that time than educating yourself more and attempting to make a difference and making a better world! Learning seems like some sort of a burden right now, but later on, i imagine it becoming a way of life. Really what else are you going to do? - chat about shoes all day?! As fascinating as that is... really i think all the world's unanswered questions are there for a purpose in a way - and amazingly enough, there are always solutions.
Anyhoo darling, I just love Mr Ferraro. I really do! I love being here, and no matter what - i will forever be thankful for this place, for having opened up an entire world for me. And of course i love you too ;)
I really don't have time to be writing this, but if i don't, i'll hate myself in a couple years. You know those realizations i tell you about - how i feel like i've known about something for so long, but only understand it fully at a later time. I guess it's what they call having a new insight.
I was in Vinnie's political economy class this morning and we were discussing globalization and other related topics. Vinnie has this thing were- if you give a comment he automatically starts playing the devil's advocate and pushes you... and does it to the extent were every single students ends up stuttering at the end - it's really insane. But what happens is, at the end of class you are filled with so many questions you don't know the answers to. He never gives us the answer – of course most of the time its because there isn't one. They are dilemma’s that people constantly need to deal with and there are so many pros and cons to every situation, that getting a conclusion simply becomes impossible or requires deep analysis - very deep time consuming analysis. The journey, apparently, is suppose to be as sweet as anything can be, filled with constant inspiration and delight.
So, what has been happening is, i've been getting so frustrated at the end of each class that i really get pissed off. Today, a couple of us stayed after class and talked to him about some of the class topics and other 'life' things in general. At one point, i told him about my frustration because we never leave with answers. He laughed and told that it is because there really aren't any right or wrong answers - ok i said - understandable. But then something else he said hit me - he said - i'm paraphrasing - listen, the more you learn and the more you are able to analyze different situations the more you realized that you'll find more questions than answers. He added - you have the rest of your life, you just need to be dedicated and motivated enough to keep learning. I nodded, not feeling very satisfied - i knew these things already. But you know what else he said - you have the rest of your life, what else are you going to do with it?! Mitisha, it hit me - he's right! We've been going to school for all our lives, we don't know anything else but. Even you are in a similar situation because you still have gradshcool in mind. But after all of that is done - what are you going to do with the rest of your life? Of course we will get married, have kids and all of that stuff, but if you think about it, we have families now but we still need something more. Even then a husband and kids will only take a given amount of both our time and our energy - we're still going to want something more. What better way to spend that time than educating yourself more and attempting to make a difference and making a better world! Learning seems like some sort of a burden right now, but later on, i imagine it becoming a way of life. Really what else are you going to do? - chat about shoes all day?! As fascinating as that is... really i think all the world's unanswered questions are there for a purpose in a way - and amazingly enough, there are always solutions.
Anyhoo darling, I just love Mr Ferraro. I really do! I love being here, and no matter what - i will forever be thankful for this place, for having opened up an entire world for me. And of course i love you too ;)
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Rihana to Feker - Happy Thanksgiving!!!! :)
Aleme, i've chosen to start off with a happy note! Yay! It's thanksgiving and we have a million things to be thankful for. We're healthy, young, beautiful, smart, alive and we have a lot of people who love us. We laugh until our stomach hurts, we have compassion towards others - enough to make us cry so often - we have cute shoes and fabulous hair. Really, we got a whole lot to be thankful for, we're just too darn blind see it. Life is too short,so i think once in a while we should learn to just let go and love it.
Mitiye, i think right now, i have a million things that should be stressing me out... i thought about it and said - really, we're never gauranteed tomorrow, why should i spend so much time stressing when i could spend it relaxing.
Aleme, look at yourself. you've got a job, a fabulous one at that, you're wonderful in the most amazing sense of the word, and you've got your whole life ahead of you - how exciting is that?! Ye Ethiopianem neger Allah yawkal, just be the best thing you can be now.If you're meant to be back there, you will be. Don't think too much about it now. Enjoy DC, love your starbucks coffee, and party it up. You're being way to hard on yourself.
I totally know what you mean about just planning instead of living - remember my calendars?! yeah, meaning i understand lol. Allah yalew aykerem... andande egna enabezawalen... It's thanksgiving so lets make sure that we're counting our blessings.
Now wede kum negeru - " Mr X"!!! What, who, what?! Men? Has there been something we haven't talked about. Anchi amedam, dengay neger eko nesh. What, who, men, what?! call and explain!!!!!!!!!!
On my side... babe, my fantasy is getting sweeter and sweeter by the day. I'm on line 24/7 - its pathetic. But mitiye, it feels so good... so yeah... when i use the phrase " which one?" when being asked " how is he?" is finally true LOL. It does feel that way though. Mitiye, its really pathatic... i want to say more, but it just hit me that this is our blog and not yahoo, so i'll save the rest for our phone calls.
Yeah, so stop romantacizing Addis - i'm allowed to do that since i'm going to be there in four weeks!!! Love DC, stop thinking too much and love your fabulous self and life. I'll talk to you... love you my darlin.... " Mr X"? What, who, men, what?!
Mitiye, i think right now, i have a million things that should be stressing me out... i thought about it and said - really, we're never gauranteed tomorrow, why should i spend so much time stressing when i could spend it relaxing.
Aleme, look at yourself. you've got a job, a fabulous one at that, you're wonderful in the most amazing sense of the word, and you've got your whole life ahead of you - how exciting is that?! Ye Ethiopianem neger Allah yawkal, just be the best thing you can be now.If you're meant to be back there, you will be. Don't think too much about it now. Enjoy DC, love your starbucks coffee, and party it up. You're being way to hard on yourself.
I totally know what you mean about just planning instead of living - remember my calendars?! yeah, meaning i understand lol. Allah yalew aykerem... andande egna enabezawalen... It's thanksgiving so lets make sure that we're counting our blessings.
Now wede kum negeru - " Mr X"!!! What, who, what?! Men? Has there been something we haven't talked about. Anchi amedam, dengay neger eko nesh. What, who, men, what?! call and explain!!!!!!!!!!
On my side... babe, my fantasy is getting sweeter and sweeter by the day. I'm on line 24/7 - its pathetic. But mitiye, it feels so good... so yeah... when i use the phrase " which one?" when being asked " how is he?" is finally true LOL. It does feel that way though. Mitiye, its really pathatic... i want to say more, but it just hit me that this is our blog and not yahoo, so i'll save the rest for our phone calls.
Yeah, so stop romantacizing Addis - i'm allowed to do that since i'm going to be there in four weeks!!! Love DC, stop thinking too much and love your fabulous self and life. I'll talk to you... love you my darlin.... " Mr X"? What, who, men, what?!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Feker to Rihana: Thanksgiving?
Aleme Thanksgiving is upon and I guess there is much I should be thankful for. I guess what hit me when I came back to the office from lunch today was, most people couldn’t wait to leave work because they had already planned something for the holiday. And I couldn’t care less. Mitiye, how long am I gonna exist in this space where nothing grounds me to anywhere. The only place I long for, oh specially during times like these (holidays) is home. But Mitiye, I am so afraid of my weakness. Will home no longer hold any charm for me after the life I’ve gotten used to here? Will I go there one day and laugh at myself (or cry with frustration) for ever thinking I could pick up and move? And why the hell would I even have a plan for my life when some GUY would just come along to screw it all up? (this one in relation to x, long story) Mitiye, what is wrong with me? It seems like my life consists of running from the minute I get up in the morning to the time I go to sleep. And this has NOTHING to do with work or social life. Its just my state of mind. When I was in Ethiopia, I would smell the air after the rains fell and would thank God I’m alive. I would listen to church bells and wonder at the beauty of the ‘infalot’ that came out of neighbours’ ‘madbets’. I loved the simple things that gave me comfort. Aleme right now my life consists of always planning. Planning my career, graduate school, family … I feel so displaced. And the holidays don’t help. They make me feel rootless, like an accident that just happened to be here at this moment. I think it might be PMS that’s making me blab so much. Thanks my love, even if you’re not next to me you’re virtually there and somehow helps. I love you.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Feker to Rihana: False hope?
Mitiye,
Its no wonder that once again you've been able to mirror my exact sentiments. Although in my case, just for yesterday, just for those couple of hours, I let go and shut out all those very true sentiments you expressed. I went to bed hopeful.
Going back and reviewing yesterday's historic event, I was deeply touched by the hope Obama was able to ignite in people who like he said, have often been told that the American dream is only accessible to few. Now they've broken beyond that and I pray to see the day where we can tell our kids of a time when an Obama presidency was akin to a miracle, and he had made it happen with much grace and competence.
BUT, aleme, I also kept on thinking that there's something a little pathetic to the way people in Kenya, Ethiopia and other countries were glued to their TVs, watching an election which realistically speaking will not bring much changes to their lives. I saw people starved for a different kind of world, a different way of living mitiye, people sick and tired of poverty, tyranny and all the wretchedness of this world. And their only outlet was an American election, as if Obama will put those three meals on their table. Truth is, this should have been the responsibility of their own governments, and Obama should have only gotten their passing blessing, for being the first black American president. Instead, what I saw mitiye, and it breaks my heart to have witnessed it, is a people so sick of their own leaders that they have to project that on a country which has its own issues to deal with and quite frankly, will probably not change a damn thing in others. I saw this and all hope of me bringing about that change we've talked about so often just flew out the window. I don't know what will restore it aleme, and all this just to say, I completely understand how you're feeling. I pray to God that our kids and grand kids will live in a time where they will witness a similar triumph for our country.
Wedishalew.
Its no wonder that once again you've been able to mirror my exact sentiments. Although in my case, just for yesterday, just for those couple of hours, I let go and shut out all those very true sentiments you expressed. I went to bed hopeful.
Going back and reviewing yesterday's historic event, I was deeply touched by the hope Obama was able to ignite in people who like he said, have often been told that the American dream is only accessible to few. Now they've broken beyond that and I pray to see the day where we can tell our kids of a time when an Obama presidency was akin to a miracle, and he had made it happen with much grace and competence.
BUT, aleme, I also kept on thinking that there's something a little pathetic to the way people in Kenya, Ethiopia and other countries were glued to their TVs, watching an election which realistically speaking will not bring much changes to their lives. I saw people starved for a different kind of world, a different way of living mitiye, people sick and tired of poverty, tyranny and all the wretchedness of this world. And their only outlet was an American election, as if Obama will put those three meals on their table. Truth is, this should have been the responsibility of their own governments, and Obama should have only gotten their passing blessing, for being the first black American president. Instead, what I saw mitiye, and it breaks my heart to have witnessed it, is a people so sick of their own leaders that they have to project that on a country which has its own issues to deal with and quite frankly, will probably not change a damn thing in others. I saw this and all hope of me bringing about that change we've talked about so often just flew out the window. I don't know what will restore it aleme, and all this just to say, I completely understand how you're feeling. I pray to God that our kids and grand kids will live in a time where they will witness a similar triumph for our country.
Wedishalew.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Rihana to Feker - The night of Obama
Mitiye, Endet alesh? I'm assuming that you're asleep as i type these words. for some reason i'm unable to sleep and am engrossed with a feeling of lonliness and depression on one of the most important nights of our lives.
I watched the election in a quite comfortable lounge with three brunnett Americans... we cryied together and celebrated, this unbelievable night, a night we'll all live to tell of many years to come.
I heard the speech, impressed, i walked back to my room. Mitisha for some reason, contrary to what i thought i would feel, i'm engrossed in this feeling of total lonliness... weakness... hopelessness... is that even possible.
There was an article on BBC about Obama's extended family back in Kenya and the village they live in celebrating the victory. They had pictures of individual talking about what the election meant to them. They are hopefull... hopefull that Obama will be able to help their village and their country, hopefully that they will somehow be able to escape poverty through a man they call "one of them"... Mitiye i wondered how much of that would come true... not because he wouldn't be able to do that for them, i think he will, but i wondered of the real effect that will be seen in the village, given the political implications it would implicate... but that was just a stupid think that crossed my mind... you know what hit me - it him me, even as we stand at such a moment, there are millions of people who will never live to see a better day, lives who will never be touched, lives lost while we celebrate this vitory. This in no way diminish's Obama's or America's success in no way, but just think... with as great a hope as he preeched, it's still not great enough. I'm consumed by this feeling that no matter how big our hopes, it just won't be enough. This was the last thing i was expecting to feel tonight, given how happy and in tears i was only a couple hours ago. I'm back in my room, feeling empty and alone... and hopeless.
I know i haven't made much sense tonight, so i'll just stop and try to go to sleep. I don't even know what i'm feeling, i'm just going to post this and reread it tomorrow to see if i've even typed sentences.
I love you.
I watched the election in a quite comfortable lounge with three brunnett Americans... we cryied together and celebrated, this unbelievable night, a night we'll all live to tell of many years to come.
I heard the speech, impressed, i walked back to my room. Mitisha for some reason, contrary to what i thought i would feel, i'm engrossed in this feeling of total lonliness... weakness... hopelessness... is that even possible.
There was an article on BBC about Obama's extended family back in Kenya and the village they live in celebrating the victory. They had pictures of individual talking about what the election meant to them. They are hopefull... hopefull that Obama will be able to help their village and their country, hopefully that they will somehow be able to escape poverty through a man they call "one of them"... Mitiye i wondered how much of that would come true... not because he wouldn't be able to do that for them, i think he will, but i wondered of the real effect that will be seen in the village, given the political implications it would implicate... but that was just a stupid think that crossed my mind... you know what hit me - it him me, even as we stand at such a moment, there are millions of people who will never live to see a better day, lives who will never be touched, lives lost while we celebrate this vitory. This in no way diminish's Obama's or America's success in no way, but just think... with as great a hope as he preeched, it's still not great enough. I'm consumed by this feeling that no matter how big our hopes, it just won't be enough. This was the last thing i was expecting to feel tonight, given how happy and in tears i was only a couple hours ago. I'm back in my room, feeling empty and alone... and hopeless.
I know i haven't made much sense tonight, so i'll just stop and try to go to sleep. I don't even know what i'm feeling, i'm just going to post this and reread it tomorrow to see if i've even typed sentences.
I love you.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Feker to Rihana: what makes your heart sing?
My darlin,
Endet aleshilign? I can't believe I'll see you in a week's time, it shall do us both good. You are surely missed, dear friend.
I read the article I posted on your wall, a couple of times actually. It got me thinking about a lot of things. You know, all the things we usually talk about. The subtitle I think said something like "What makes your heart sing?" What, indeed? You'd be interested to know that financial prowess ranked low, that if human beings have their basic needs met, additional wealth doesn't really add to your happiness. Religion was ranked high, and so were people; family, friends, lovers. Marriage, not so clear (hehe, that one made me laugh). So my love, I guess there is no escaping it. We NEED people in our lives, assuming we are rational and want to be happy in the long run. (goodness, i'm talking like an economist haha)But mitiye, you know what scares me about me? I've always known I needed people, I mean, growing up with three brothers and an assortment of cousins and zemed, I didn't really have a choice. But ... I sometimes think I am more enamoured with having people around me, not necessarily interacting with them 24/7. And that's scary isn't it? What am I gonna say to dear hubby? Please stay in the next room because I feel secure but don't you dare sit next to me and put your arm around me because that is suffocating? Ayiyyyyyyy! I need someone who understands what 'companionable silence' means. Someone who doesn't jump to the conclusion that I'm mad, depressed, angry, because i'm not my usual chatty self. What u think mi love?
Endet aleshilign? I can't believe I'll see you in a week's time, it shall do us both good. You are surely missed, dear friend.
I read the article I posted on your wall, a couple of times actually. It got me thinking about a lot of things. You know, all the things we usually talk about. The subtitle I think said something like "What makes your heart sing?" What, indeed? You'd be interested to know that financial prowess ranked low, that if human beings have their basic needs met, additional wealth doesn't really add to your happiness. Religion was ranked high, and so were people; family, friends, lovers. Marriage, not so clear (hehe, that one made me laugh). So my love, I guess there is no escaping it. We NEED people in our lives, assuming we are rational and want to be happy in the long run. (goodness, i'm talking like an economist haha)But mitiye, you know what scares me about me? I've always known I needed people, I mean, growing up with three brothers and an assortment of cousins and zemed, I didn't really have a choice. But ... I sometimes think I am more enamoured with having people around me, not necessarily interacting with them 24/7. And that's scary isn't it? What am I gonna say to dear hubby? Please stay in the next room because I feel secure but don't you dare sit next to me and put your arm around me because that is suffocating? Ayiyyyyyyy! I need someone who understands what 'companionable silence' means. Someone who doesn't jump to the conclusion that I'm mad, depressed, angry, because i'm not my usual chatty self. What u think mi love?
Monday, September 22, 2008
Rihana to Feker - Senseless
Eshi aleme, I just wanted to write... meaning i don't have a single topic to write about. Eshi... men addis neger ale?... Well i'm sitting in the library, obviously not doing work and listening to R Kelly, it's pathetic how i still think the man is fine!...oh T Pain is on now... hahahaha... Music taste yelushal yehe new - bezi simeta eko deben yalku fendata negn. Did i tell you that a couple of my friends ( non-EPCS) use to call me Ja Rule, since i use to sing along with all those kind of songs... yet yedersal yalut zaf ale agu! hooo...
Ena... well Addis Ababe, well we sure are going to have one heck of a story when i go for that month. Demo zendero men drama yesera yehon....wiii mitiye kebaterkubesh aydel, well i better go and i think i should click post now. Last time after typing something twice as long i deleted everything since i didn't feel like i made sense so , no matter how senseless, here goes, i'm clicking Publish Post.
Ena... well Addis Ababe, well we sure are going to have one heck of a story when i go for that month. Demo zendero men drama yesera yehon....wiii mitiye kebaterkubesh aydel, well i better go and i think i should click post now. Last time after typing something twice as long i deleted everything since i didn't feel like i made sense so , no matter how senseless, here goes, i'm clicking Publish Post.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Feker to Rihana: My first love
I don't need to tell you that its not what you're thinking; obviously. The first love I'm talking about is Addis, my beloved city. I was coming back from work today and in the train, I finished reading Dinaw's "The beautiful things that heaven bears". Mitiye, I can't even begin to describe the emotions that book evoked in me. But more about that later. But I was in the train and looking out of the metro windows, lost in my own world of nostalgia, sadness and just pure wonder at the ability of someone to express himself so well. Then suddenly it hit me that the moment perfectly coincided with my melancholic mood because it was twilight; and twilight used to be my favorite part of the day in Addis. You know that time of the day, the sun is just setting, smell of 'tikus yekeseat dabo' in the air, distant voices of weyalas screaming their head off and that oh so beautiful breeze that is unique to Addis. Mitish, at moments like this, I just bowed my head and thanked God for being alive ... and in Addis. And today, today it was one of those days ... the whole outside world resembled Addis and I said to myself, maybe DC will be my second love. For its easy to fall in love with it ... the bustle, diversity, convenience, ... life of it all. Like Addis there are things that break your heart. Take for example this black guy who, when Israel was passing him by says hello to her and she, like we're used to doing in Addis, ignores him and walks on, and he replies ... "yeah you're right, this is nobody." Or when you see the general discrepancy amongst people of the city, immigrants vs natives, blacks vs whites, etc. And just like Addis, it has its slums and its version of 'bole'. I could think of a thousand reasons to love it, from its coffee shops, to the malls to the clubs, little things that creep up on you until you wake up one day, and realize you have yet again fallen in love with another one. But Addis? Too many meomories etched inside my head for me to ever let go. If you asked me what of the city I missed most right now it would definitely be ... how do i describe it ... ok let me try. You know that time of the morning around 5ish (kelelitu 11 seat) and everyone is sleeping, dawn is breaking, and for some reason or another tibanignalesh? You know you don't need to get up but you can't fall asleep right away either. So you snuggle in bed, happy that you have a few more hours of sleep. And then ... you hear them. The weyalas ... you remember how close our house was to the 'taksi tera'? It was just the most beautiful sound. It is faint with none of the chaos of the day, almost like they were making music of their own. On rare occasions when I would accompany my mom to church, this sound I used as my incentive to pull myself out of bed. And yesterday in the train, I realized that was the only thing missing from DC, lol. You see, iza honen indeza indtaltesadebin ... i'm telling you, we might as well drop the search for satisfaction ... human beings are way too fickle for that.
Love you, please write back soon, preferably on the topic you promised yesterday.
Love you, please write back soon, preferably on the topic you promised yesterday.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Rihana to Feker - Insha Allah, It will be ok.
Mitiye,
Be tselotush aberesh negn. Aleme, but you know one thing which hit me, every time we talk, blog or email, there is this thing that you repeat - what you feel is GUILT, not sadness, or dissatisfaction, or confusion... but guilt. I believe guilt to be the worse kind of emotion. I fully understand where you're coming from and i do relate to the pain of feeling so privileged without the ability somehow "payback," in whatever way, to whomever we feel needs it most. With this said Mitiye at this time i do not think 'guilt' should not be something for you to feel now. I think we have this thing where we see ourselves to be a lot more than we really are ( this of course is vital and necessary - unless you reach for the stars there really isn't much point, and unless you believe you can do it, there isn't the possibility of doing so). But what i mean is in specific terms, is you just graduated from college and you're doing the first of many jobs to come, you still have an entire lifetime to do whatever it is that you want. We really are young and we have just started it all off. You can't expect the world from yourself now, ( you definilty should later on in life) i think our responsibility now is to constantly educate ourselves, to grow mentally and spiritually. To contribute to the world in whatever small way we possibly can ( Even a smile to another fellow human being, i believe, is a contribution). I think the key is to never forget who we really are and what it is will help us achieve our goals.
But God forbid, if we don't end up doing exactly doing what we want to do, say be able to go back to Ethiopia like you where saying, i believe we still have to make the best of what we have at hand. For me i believe in "Qadr," it's the Arabic word for preordainment. We may plan a lot, but at the end of the day it is what God wills that is going to happen, and the faster we learn to accept that the more happier and peaceful our lives become. The key is no matter what we end up doing, what place we end up living, we should always be the best of what we can be and do the best possible work.
Maybe feeling a little bit guilty now isn't all that bad, it will drive us towards what we really want to do, but if things don't turn out quite the way we have so perfectly pictured in our heads, it is still ok as long us we do become individuals who we will be proud of. You should know I’m typing these words for myself as much as for you. It is something i need to hear ones in a while too. Insha Allah, We'll be ok.
Wedeshalew,
Miti
Be tselotush aberesh negn. Aleme, but you know one thing which hit me, every time we talk, blog or email, there is this thing that you repeat - what you feel is GUILT, not sadness, or dissatisfaction, or confusion... but guilt. I believe guilt to be the worse kind of emotion. I fully understand where you're coming from and i do relate to the pain of feeling so privileged without the ability somehow "payback," in whatever way, to whomever we feel needs it most. With this said Mitiye at this time i do not think 'guilt' should not be something for you to feel now. I think we have this thing where we see ourselves to be a lot more than we really are ( this of course is vital and necessary - unless you reach for the stars there really isn't much point, and unless you believe you can do it, there isn't the possibility of doing so). But what i mean is in specific terms, is you just graduated from college and you're doing the first of many jobs to come, you still have an entire lifetime to do whatever it is that you want. We really are young and we have just started it all off. You can't expect the world from yourself now, ( you definilty should later on in life) i think our responsibility now is to constantly educate ourselves, to grow mentally and spiritually. To contribute to the world in whatever small way we possibly can ( Even a smile to another fellow human being, i believe, is a contribution). I think the key is to never forget who we really are and what it is will help us achieve our goals.
But God forbid, if we don't end up doing exactly doing what we want to do, say be able to go back to Ethiopia like you where saying, i believe we still have to make the best of what we have at hand. For me i believe in "Qadr," it's the Arabic word for preordainment. We may plan a lot, but at the end of the day it is what God wills that is going to happen, and the faster we learn to accept that the more happier and peaceful our lives become. The key is no matter what we end up doing, what place we end up living, we should always be the best of what we can be and do the best possible work.
Maybe feeling a little bit guilty now isn't all that bad, it will drive us towards what we really want to do, but if things don't turn out quite the way we have so perfectly pictured in our heads, it is still ok as long us we do become individuals who we will be proud of. You should know I’m typing these words for myself as much as for you. It is something i need to hear ones in a while too. Insha Allah, We'll be ok.
Wedeshalew,
Miti
Monday, September 8, 2008
Feker to Rihana: "yet yidersal yetebale ..."
Aleme,
It's monday morning, no more of the foggy, ye-addisaba weather and as I left my apartment for work this morning, I realized, for probably the millionth time, how much in my life I have to give thanks to the Lord. Sometimes darling, I feel so overwhelmed with all the love and support around me that I can't help but feel guilty, I really do feel like an imposter sometimes. I know these kind of thoughts are not healthy, since they might hinder me from the very goals I've set out to achieve. I can't shake it off though. Have you asked yourself mitish, why us? And if for some reason we were lucky enough to be granted with all these privileges, what is expected of us in return? Ay mitiye, inema keqen wedeqen ye Ethiopia neger yehilm injera iyehonebign techegirealew. Even Addis Amet, when I'm surrounded by Habesha people left and right, should have struck some sort of chord in me. Alas, I felt more of the Addis Amet vibe when I was in south hadley than in silver spring. Mitiye, how do I keep that link from snapping? I can't even begin to explain what is going through my mind right now ... don't know if i understand it at all let alone explain it to you. But I feel like a 'kehadi' aleme. I know, I know, you're probably rolling your eyes right about now with your classic, 'akabde' retort, but i'm telling you darling, right now i feel like that infamous zaf Agu often refers to. Bicha mechereshayen Egzihabher bicha new miyakilign. I will need a lot of 'tselot' on your part ...
Call me during or after 'aftir' ... wedishalew.
It's monday morning, no more of the foggy, ye-addisaba weather and as I left my apartment for work this morning, I realized, for probably the millionth time, how much in my life I have to give thanks to the Lord. Sometimes darling, I feel so overwhelmed with all the love and support around me that I can't help but feel guilty, I really do feel like an imposter sometimes. I know these kind of thoughts are not healthy, since they might hinder me from the very goals I've set out to achieve. I can't shake it off though. Have you asked yourself mitish, why us? And if for some reason we were lucky enough to be granted with all these privileges, what is expected of us in return? Ay mitiye, inema keqen wedeqen ye Ethiopia neger yehilm injera iyehonebign techegirealew. Even Addis Amet, when I'm surrounded by Habesha people left and right, should have struck some sort of chord in me. Alas, I felt more of the Addis Amet vibe when I was in south hadley than in silver spring. Mitiye, how do I keep that link from snapping? I can't even begin to explain what is going through my mind right now ... don't know if i understand it at all let alone explain it to you. But I feel like a 'kehadi' aleme. I know, I know, you're probably rolling your eyes right about now with your classic, 'akabde' retort, but i'm telling you darling, right now i feel like that infamous zaf Agu often refers to. Bicha mechereshayen Egzihabher bicha new miyakilign. I will need a lot of 'tselot' on your part ...
Call me during or after 'aftir' ... wedishalew.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Rihana to Feker - Shi amet ayenor - Lost!
Mitiye, i know this blog is long overdue, and sadly it's really not even going to be an actual fully written text. I'll be going out in a couple of minutes, but i figured i should put a few words rather than non at all. It sure feels like it has been a long time.
I will not try to even attempt to explain what i'm feeling, or what i've been feeling for the past couple of days. Could i call it confusion? Maybe. But this is more...serious? It is somehow feeling lost... somehow being so unsure?... not unsure, maybe a feeling of floating in the air with no apparent direction. I feel so unsettled.
I hate feeling this way especially know that Mamo has been nothing but wonderful to me. but my brain seems to be going off to places way to often. I also feel terrible, since i'm in no way ready for ramadan which is suppose to start a day after tomorrow.
A couple days ago i got an email from Agu. He was responding to one of my emails and you know what he said to me? He said " Johan, i sense that your 'and shi amet ayenor' attitude has left you." You know what? He is right. Before, even when i was feeling like that attitude was leaving me,it wasn't all that bad because i, at least, could recall that i had such an attitude. Welahi Mitisha, when he said it to me this time, i felt like he was talking about a different person - i had forgotten that i was infact like that. In a wierd way those very simple and seemingly narrowminded words had been part of who i was, and that part had been a fabulous part of me. What happened? Has this country already gotten deep in my vains in already a few years to change my very being? Am i going to wake up every ones in a couple years to realize that i've lost one or another part of me. Am i going to wake up one day having lost the very best part of me - my very essence?
My thoughts are flying everywhere and Oh God i have a million and one things to tell you. I'm so scared to start off this year. who am i going to go to when i need to vent, when i need to just dis everything and everyone off. Welayi, mechem allah alegn, men elalew. I'm still not registered for classes, and for some reason i feel so unsure of everything - in regards to school - It's just wierd. I'm hoping ones i settle in my dorm i'll have more things figured out, insha allah. But you sure will be missed, my love. No words can tell you how much.
Oh God, you know what else. Mitiye, one thing i use to love about myslef ( ofcourse it's one among many lol) was that i was satisfied with who i was, what i was becoming, and what i had. In a wierd sort of way, i was content. I use to imagine being asked by someone - " if you could be reborn again, who would you want to come back as?" And i would imagine myself, smiling and looking fabulous, answer - " myself" and believing it a hundred persent!!! It has been a while since i have had this conversation in my head, and when i even get the guts to ask it, i hear myself saying "myself" but not believing it. The funny part is that for the normal eye, i am at a much more "better" place than i was three years ago. shouldn't i be more content? shouldn't i be happier?
Becha Mitiye, i think Mamo is ready to go out. I can't wait til i get to a better place to write more. I should go, I love you.
I will not try to even attempt to explain what i'm feeling, or what i've been feeling for the past couple of days. Could i call it confusion? Maybe. But this is more...serious? It is somehow feeling lost... somehow being so unsure?... not unsure, maybe a feeling of floating in the air with no apparent direction. I feel so unsettled.
I hate feeling this way especially know that Mamo has been nothing but wonderful to me. but my brain seems to be going off to places way to often. I also feel terrible, since i'm in no way ready for ramadan which is suppose to start a day after tomorrow.
A couple days ago i got an email from Agu. He was responding to one of my emails and you know what he said to me? He said " Johan, i sense that your 'and shi amet ayenor' attitude has left you." You know what? He is right. Before, even when i was feeling like that attitude was leaving me,it wasn't all that bad because i, at least, could recall that i had such an attitude. Welahi Mitisha, when he said it to me this time, i felt like he was talking about a different person - i had forgotten that i was infact like that. In a wierd way those very simple and seemingly narrowminded words had been part of who i was, and that part had been a fabulous part of me. What happened? Has this country already gotten deep in my vains in already a few years to change my very being? Am i going to wake up every ones in a couple years to realize that i've lost one or another part of me. Am i going to wake up one day having lost the very best part of me - my very essence?
My thoughts are flying everywhere and Oh God i have a million and one things to tell you. I'm so scared to start off this year. who am i going to go to when i need to vent, when i need to just dis everything and everyone off. Welayi, mechem allah alegn, men elalew. I'm still not registered for classes, and for some reason i feel so unsure of everything - in regards to school - It's just wierd. I'm hoping ones i settle in my dorm i'll have more things figured out, insha allah. But you sure will be missed, my love. No words can tell you how much.
Oh God, you know what else. Mitiye, one thing i use to love about myslef ( ofcourse it's one among many lol) was that i was satisfied with who i was, what i was becoming, and what i had. In a wierd sort of way, i was content. I use to imagine being asked by someone - " if you could be reborn again, who would you want to come back as?" And i would imagine myself, smiling and looking fabulous, answer - " myself" and believing it a hundred persent!!! It has been a while since i have had this conversation in my head, and when i even get the guts to ask it, i hear myself saying "myself" but not believing it. The funny part is that for the normal eye, i am at a much more "better" place than i was three years ago. shouldn't i be more content? shouldn't i be happier?
Becha Mitiye, i think Mamo is ready to go out. I can't wait til i get to a better place to write more. I should go, I love you.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Feker to Rihana: Confused Me
Mitiye,
I wanted to start off by saying how proud of you I am. Somehow, you've found the balance for everything; friends, a relationship, work and family. Its always my fear for us all that should we find ourselves in a new situation, we sort of loose sight of the whole picture. I don't know know why I'm even babbling about this but it just hit me that you haven't fallen prey to this fear of mine, and i'm all the more happy and grateful to you for that.
Aleme, the subject of today's post goes roughly like this ... I am SO confused. I find myself gravitating away from my one passion and its sneaking up on me without my realization. Everyday I find myself getting used to a certain say of living, meeting new people, friends ... creating my own circle of friends and family here in this country. A relative of mine had said that if I started working here I'm sucked in for good and darling, the me then had scoffed at his comment. Ato Masresha had sent me that excerpt and though I had understood where the author was coming from, yet again, I had considered myself above all that. Mitiye, I woke up today and can you believe it ... for the first time I was scared of forgetting. Home is becoming like a dream to me, you know, the type which gives you tingles when you think about it but you can't really grasp if you reach out for it. Out of the blue, at the wedding, dancing to Tilahun's "Abiyisiada", it hit me that it'll probably be another year before I get to go there and suddenly this fear that I can't really describe seized me. Mitiye, I think I've lost confidence in myself or the cause we've talked about so often. When I was in college, even if I was thousands of miles away, I still felt connected somehow. But these days, mitiye, these days I don't even know. I think the constant talk of famine, chigir, dirq, yenuro widinet have taken their toll. Darling, what to do? I think this is a first for me. Ever so often I would try and try to imagine my life wedefit, and darling, believe it or not, all I see is blank. Bicha mitiye, dunno. It might be PMS that's making me babble on, it maybe not. I wish I were one of those people who had five, ten, twenty year plans. I wish I could have a clear picture of what I wanted to do and who to spend the rest of my life with. At the moment all I see is just fragments of my futre floating everywhere. Engidih ihen yahil kaderekush yibekashal. I know this might not be the best of times to reply, try your best, me misses reading you. Wedishalew.
I wanted to start off by saying how proud of you I am. Somehow, you've found the balance for everything; friends, a relationship, work and family. Its always my fear for us all that should we find ourselves in a new situation, we sort of loose sight of the whole picture. I don't know know why I'm even babbling about this but it just hit me that you haven't fallen prey to this fear of mine, and i'm all the more happy and grateful to you for that.
Aleme, the subject of today's post goes roughly like this ... I am SO confused. I find myself gravitating away from my one passion and its sneaking up on me without my realization. Everyday I find myself getting used to a certain say of living, meeting new people, friends ... creating my own circle of friends and family here in this country. A relative of mine had said that if I started working here I'm sucked in for good and darling, the me then had scoffed at his comment. Ato Masresha had sent me that excerpt and though I had understood where the author was coming from, yet again, I had considered myself above all that. Mitiye, I woke up today and can you believe it ... for the first time I was scared of forgetting. Home is becoming like a dream to me, you know, the type which gives you tingles when you think about it but you can't really grasp if you reach out for it. Out of the blue, at the wedding, dancing to Tilahun's "Abiyisiada", it hit me that it'll probably be another year before I get to go there and suddenly this fear that I can't really describe seized me. Mitiye, I think I've lost confidence in myself or the cause we've talked about so often. When I was in college, even if I was thousands of miles away, I still felt connected somehow. But these days, mitiye, these days I don't even know. I think the constant talk of famine, chigir, dirq, yenuro widinet have taken their toll. Darling, what to do? I think this is a first for me. Ever so often I would try and try to imagine my life wedefit, and darling, believe it or not, all I see is blank. Bicha mitiye, dunno. It might be PMS that's making me babble on, it maybe not. I wish I were one of those people who had five, ten, twenty year plans. I wish I could have a clear picture of what I wanted to do and who to spend the rest of my life with. At the moment all I see is just fragments of my futre floating everywhere. Engidih ihen yahil kaderekush yibekashal. I know this might not be the best of times to reply, try your best, me misses reading you. Wedishalew.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Feker to Rihana: Chameleon aka 'isist'
Darling,
If you're thinking 'why is she letting it get to her like this?' ... I'm surprised as you are. You might have already guessed where I'm getting at. Yesterday was like not a slap on my face mitish, it was more like 'yechama tifi'. I couldn't believe this feeling of betrayal that shook me to the core. Darling, I remember on one of your posts you had said, 'people don't deliver' and I had agreed 100%. But sometimes darling, this fickle thing that is our heart manages to get us hurt? dissapointed? yet again. Mitiye, the saddest part of the story is NONE of the people should merit such thoughts, anger, hurt from me. They are a bunch of hypocrites with their own twisted views of life. And I guess what is pissing me off is that I had believed otherwise. 'Neg bene' aydelem yagere sew yalew? I had heard people ridicule this woman in particular for her actions and I had just brushed them off as 'yabesha paranoia' eventhough deep down I sort of knew she was a exactly what they said she was. But the lady, atleast in the past, had been sweet to ME, mind you, ME. Bicha mitiye min libelish, cheguaraye latttt yalew eko not because she judged me per se but because i was judged by someone such as she, who claims to be 'yegzer beg' and yet, darling, min waga alew? I wonder if people like her realize their double existence before they pass off ... even for a second ... mitiye yibkagn, I needed to vent one last time before I put her out of my mind for good. Like you said, its small things like these that make us bitter in the end. And that mi love, is something we can't afford. I love you ... thank you for not judging me even when i'm my most irrational self (hehe ... hint hint last night).
If you're thinking 'why is she letting it get to her like this?' ... I'm surprised as you are. You might have already guessed where I'm getting at. Yesterday was like not a slap on my face mitish, it was more like 'yechama tifi'. I couldn't believe this feeling of betrayal that shook me to the core. Darling, I remember on one of your posts you had said, 'people don't deliver' and I had agreed 100%. But sometimes darling, this fickle thing that is our heart manages to get us hurt? dissapointed? yet again. Mitiye, the saddest part of the story is NONE of the people should merit such thoughts, anger, hurt from me. They are a bunch of hypocrites with their own twisted views of life. And I guess what is pissing me off is that I had believed otherwise. 'Neg bene' aydelem yagere sew yalew? I had heard people ridicule this woman in particular for her actions and I had just brushed them off as 'yabesha paranoia' eventhough deep down I sort of knew she was a exactly what they said she was. But the lady, atleast in the past, had been sweet to ME, mind you, ME. Bicha mitiye min libelish, cheguaraye latttt yalew eko not because she judged me per se but because i was judged by someone such as she, who claims to be 'yegzer beg' and yet, darling, min waga alew? I wonder if people like her realize their double existence before they pass off ... even for a second ... mitiye yibkagn, I needed to vent one last time before I put her out of my mind for good. Like you said, its small things like these that make us bitter in the end. And that mi love, is something we can't afford. I love you ... thank you for not judging me even when i'm my most irrational self (hehe ... hint hint last night).
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Feker to Rihana: light or heavy?
My love,
I realized, after our brief chat yesterday, how much it sucks you're not going to be nearby. Suddenly, I reminisced on our college days ... you see already arejehu ... reminisce minamin. But all jokes aside, I kept on thinking how the past few years are a luxury we were lucky to afford. All we did was argue about our thoughts, beliefs, pretty much anything under the sun. We also laughed. GOD! Laugh we did! And that's when it hit me ... I wonder if we'll ever laugh like that again. You know? the type that has you running to the bathroom or me rolling on the floor. Come what may, I just wanted to say how much I will cherish those days.
Title of the book from last time: "The unbearable lightness of being." Mitiye, its a must read. I haven't finished it yet gin I'm hooked. If I'm not mistaken he raises issues I've always ponedered. He compares a life of light burden with a life of heavy burden ... chooses the latter because a life of lightness is unbearable. I've always wondered mitiye, if say the people on 'Laguna Beach' would claim to have lived life like the resident of Gaza. Now, I'm not trying to romanticize poverty or war ... I think it was one of Sidney Sheldon's book where he says "Poverty is only romantic in the books". I do believe that but I mean c'mon mitisha, norin lilu new? You remember that article on Seleda (inkuan ... so what if i've memorized every story on the site! ;) ... about the guy who used to work with refugees on the Ethio-Kenyan border but whose parents sent him here for college? He says that his happiest days were in the desert, even though he has done quite well in the land of plenty. Mi love, my question to you then, a life of lightness or burden?
I realized, after our brief chat yesterday, how much it sucks you're not going to be nearby. Suddenly, I reminisced on our college days ... you see already arejehu ... reminisce minamin. But all jokes aside, I kept on thinking how the past few years are a luxury we were lucky to afford. All we did was argue about our thoughts, beliefs, pretty much anything under the sun. We also laughed. GOD! Laugh we did! And that's when it hit me ... I wonder if we'll ever laugh like that again. You know? the type that has you running to the bathroom or me rolling on the floor. Come what may, I just wanted to say how much I will cherish those days.
Title of the book from last time: "The unbearable lightness of being." Mitiye, its a must read. I haven't finished it yet gin I'm hooked. If I'm not mistaken he raises issues I've always ponedered. He compares a life of light burden with a life of heavy burden ... chooses the latter because a life of lightness is unbearable. I've always wondered mitiye, if say the people on 'Laguna Beach' would claim to have lived life like the resident of Gaza. Now, I'm not trying to romanticize poverty or war ... I think it was one of Sidney Sheldon's book where he says "Poverty is only romantic in the books". I do believe that but I mean c'mon mitisha, norin lilu new? You remember that article on Seleda (inkuan ... so what if i've memorized every story on the site! ;) ... about the guy who used to work with refugees on the Ethio-Kenyan border but whose parents sent him here for college? He says that his happiest days were in the desert, even though he has done quite well in the land of plenty. Mi love, my question to you then, a life of lightness or burden?
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Feker to Rihana: Rehearsal for Life
My dearest darling,
I swear Mitish there are very few things these days that make my day as seeing a post from you, dear friend. To jump right to the 'kumneger', all my life I had imagined that with 'the' guy I would, somehow, just know he was the one. Like you put so beautifully, BULLSHIT! It can't get any more Disney than that. Hode, I know these past few weeks have been kind of stressful, more so because like we said you ARE new to this. But more than that mitiye, I think we've been so conditioned to think that relationships don't need effort. Well babe, the friendships I used to think were effortless are proving to be challenging as well, never mind relationships. I know what you're thinking, some friendships are easier to maintain than others true, and maybe some relationships too but the truth of the matter is, it needs work, dedication, patience ... you can fill all the tiresome adjectives.
Mitiye, one thing though, I so wish this thing called loneliness did not exist. Its a human side that I wish I could just shove aside. Sadly its there. One writer said about death, "Most things may never happen, this one will." So is it true for loneliness I guess. But my question is "What is the price to pay?" I guess you've already gathered that I'm gonna be asking more questions, instead of giving you answers. I had believed in the kind of love that you see someone and you just KNEW that he was it. Hun, I honestly don't believe that exists. And its ok I guess ... not as romantic but all the same, life. What's important is to make a distinction between fairy tales and
Its weird that I should be reading this book at this moment because the author breaks it down real good.
"Was it better to be with Tereza or to remain alone?"
"There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, 'sketch' is not quite the word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture."
"What happens but once, says the German adage, might as well not have happened at all. If we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all."
Aleme, while I don't particulary agree with his last point, there is some truth to his words. Sometimes life is so ridiculous to the point of hilarity. With some mistakes you can amend, with other chances, you are only given one and you hope to God you don't mess it up. Is that fair? Of course not but fairness has never been a word associated with life.
But darling, I do believe in one thing with all my heart. And that is our ability to make our lives the best it can be, even when other people are taking part in it. And in you more than scores of people, I have complete confidence of that strength. All you have to do, as cliche and ammateur as it sounds, is listen to yourself.
Mitish, I can't tell you how I was cracking up while reading your post. Especially about the "guy your dad was close friends with" and the "God like whisper in the middle of the night". LOL! I'm telling you, those novels might have screwed us up in more ways than we thought. Bicha Egzer alelin. Wedishalew darling, and hoping to read you soon!!! muaaaaaaaaaaah
Nafakish,
Ke gizatachin.
P.S. I knew you were a bit ticked off when you signed off as "Rihana" ... sounds so foreing lol
I swear Mitish there are very few things these days that make my day as seeing a post from you, dear friend. To jump right to the 'kumneger', all my life I had imagined that with 'the' guy I would, somehow, just know he was the one. Like you put so beautifully, BULLSHIT! It can't get any more Disney than that. Hode, I know these past few weeks have been kind of stressful, more so because like we said you ARE new to this. But more than that mitiye, I think we've been so conditioned to think that relationships don't need effort. Well babe, the friendships I used to think were effortless are proving to be challenging as well, never mind relationships. I know what you're thinking, some friendships are easier to maintain than others true, and maybe some relationships too but the truth of the matter is, it needs work, dedication, patience ... you can fill all the tiresome adjectives.
Mitiye, one thing though, I so wish this thing called loneliness did not exist. Its a human side that I wish I could just shove aside. Sadly its there. One writer said about death, "Most things may never happen, this one will." So is it true for loneliness I guess. But my question is "What is the price to pay?" I guess you've already gathered that I'm gonna be asking more questions, instead of giving you answers. I had believed in the kind of love that you see someone and you just KNEW that he was it. Hun, I honestly don't believe that exists. And its ok I guess ... not as romantic but all the same, life. What's important is to make a distinction between fairy tales and
Its weird that I should be reading this book at this moment because the author breaks it down real good.
"Was it better to be with Tereza or to remain alone?"
"There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, 'sketch' is not quite the word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture."
"What happens but once, says the German adage, might as well not have happened at all. If we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all."
Aleme, while I don't particulary agree with his last point, there is some truth to his words. Sometimes life is so ridiculous to the point of hilarity. With some mistakes you can amend, with other chances, you are only given one and you hope to God you don't mess it up. Is that fair? Of course not but fairness has never been a word associated with life.
But darling, I do believe in one thing with all my heart. And that is our ability to make our lives the best it can be, even when other people are taking part in it. And in you more than scores of people, I have complete confidence of that strength. All you have to do, as cliche and ammateur as it sounds, is listen to yourself.
Mitish, I can't tell you how I was cracking up while reading your post. Especially about the "guy your dad was close friends with" and the "God like whisper in the middle of the night". LOL! I'm telling you, those novels might have screwed us up in more ways than we thought. Bicha Egzer alelin. Wedishalew darling, and hoping to read you soon!!! muaaaaaaaaaaah
Nafakish,
Ke gizatachin.
P.S. I knew you were a bit ticked off when you signed off as "Rihana" ... sounds so foreing lol
Rihana to Feker - To commit or not to commit
My dearest friend,
So finally Dell has decided to be kind enough to send me a new laptop which actually works, Alhamdulilah, lets just hope it stays that way. Mitisha, i'm at the office right now, keep in mind it's a Sunday afternoon, and i'm trying to do some decent sort of work. Well, the fact that i'm writing this to you shows that i'm not really succeeding at that.
Mitiye, i don't think i have ever been so confused about anything in my entire life ( the confusion resulting from what we discussed last night over the phone - i know we discussed a lot of thing, but i think you'll know what i'm talking about as you read on.) The question for today my deer is To commit or not to commit.
Oh my love, how wonderful it is to be single. What a relief it is to have nothing to lose, to not be responsible for another individual, to simply live for yourself, being the best person you know how, and just... you know that feeling where you have everything under your control, to wake up in the morning and know what you're going to be doing for the rest of the day, to know that you are the one and only individual who can harm yourself, thereby decreasing to the minimum the risk of pain and disappointment. You have everything and everyone at a distance and you can be your fabulous self, and not care. Period.
I know of course there are those nights within which you crave for another humans touch. where loneliness creeps up and makes you question that very fabulous self which has always been on 'the straight path.' We have said it so many times, loneliness is not something which we can easily adopt to, like yagerochachen sewoch endemilut - meches men yemayelemed neger ale? - Well, i don't know if loneliness can be counted within this group. I wonder if anyone of us can ever get use to that feeling where our bodies are screaming for affection, where our emotions seek deep understanding, where for a few scary minutes, nothing matters under the sun except having a significant other next to you...
And then comes the question of who that significant other must be. Is that touch i crave for each night expected to come from a specific kind of individual? Or are relationships much more than the touch, the security, the simple beautiful moments of bliss you share with that person?
...Yet again, even before we get to the kind of individual, i guess there is that question i had hoped to raise earlier - that question of whether or not to give up that wonderful feeling of 'singlhood.' For the fist time in my life i think i understand exactly what that really means. Are we to be so terrified of loneliness so much that we bring in so many complication in our lives just to avoid it? If i chose to be single, am i risking too much? Will i be one of those women my mom talks about - rasachewen semay seklew komew yehew keru! - yemibaluten. Will i regret that decision i've made of going only after my career in a couple years and realize that it was simply not worth it? Should we just give up on the human's ability to stand up just on its own?
… after making that decision of crossing the line between being single and being two, who and what is the other individual suppose to be? Should i be satisfied if he satisfies me and only me, or should i make sure that he goes beyond that and satisfies my - mom, uncles, aunts, brother, friends, my friends families, professors, my fellow workers, financial advisor, that man my dad was close friends with, even that guy I’ll meet while i'm having coffee at starbucks - because… i can picture the scene... “why exactly are you with this man?” the starbucks dude asks me... i pose for a second, and that pose says it all, no further explanation needed ...
Why am i not so certain, why do i think of everyone's opinion except my own?
... and of course there is that incident where you find that 'Mr. Perfect' but in his case he becomes that to everyone else except you. He fails to get up in the middle of the night to go get you cold water because he has that research to work on first thing in the morning, he lacks to understand that him showing his vulnerability does not mean he's showing his weakness, he lacks to impress you even when he has himself placed within the cream of the crop. With such a man, you go to sleep each night being thankful for the life God has given you, because such a life mostly comes with security and predictability, but that same night you wonder if that true love they write about, in fact, exists. If you are lucky you'll be given the ability to brush such thoughts out of your head and live your 'good' life, if you're not so lucky you'll have convinced yourself that true love is only a fairy tale created for the entertainment of the mind, nothing really- only fantasy - and you will have lived the life lived by millions - void of pure love, real intimacy, dedication and inner joy. The sad thing is, no matter how bad I’ve attempted to make this sound unattractive - how easy it is! you receive approval from your surrounding, you deny your naive self and convince yourself of the truth contrary to your initial 'idealistic' beliefs. Really, what more would i want if i'm successful when it comes to my financial stability, if i have the handsome and educated husband, my Mercedes and a house with a backyard. Isn't this what i should want? Isn't this what i want? Is it? I don't know. What is it that's going to matter 20 years from now?
Oh mitisha, it's just too much sometimes to even begin to think about. If i reread this blog even i wouldn't be able to understand what i've been blabbering on and on about. For now, i'm telling myself to see what each day brings and to not overstress...
oh yeah and also, what's that bullshit that people talk about - YOU JUST KNOW it's the right person! I've never heard anything so ridiculous!!! what the heck happens to those of us who haven't been able to 'just know'. are we somehow deprived of an instinct that the few lucky ones have been given? Are we yet suppose to feel somehow inadequate? If my logical self hasn't made me get to a certain conclusion, am i suppose to wait for some sort of a sign which will tell me what my next action should be? By the way, does it come in a whisper in the night or some sort of a loud God sounding voice telling me - He's the one? really, what should i expect? This would be a good tip to have, i mean i wouldn't want to not been alert enough to miss the sign, do i? So please why don't these - 'you just know' communities share their wisdom? Bullshit! - that's what i think it is, you just don't know. you live and you see, you work hard on relationships and you become honest about what it is you really want in your life, you stop being a hypocrite and embrace the ideas you've been preaching all your life. There is no way you just know. You take time and then you know... after that, maybe, you pray to the all mighty that you're done your best to find the perfect mate, after that point, he will hopefully take over...
I hope i'm not sounding bitter, because i'm really not. I am confused - i can't deny that and i wish i could just crawl under my bed and stay there for the next six month... well i guess that's not reality and that doesn't show the strength i say that i have. so i'll pray and i'll just wait and see...
Awaiting your reply,
Rihana
P.S uff, it sure does feel good to vent!
So finally Dell has decided to be kind enough to send me a new laptop which actually works, Alhamdulilah, lets just hope it stays that way. Mitisha, i'm at the office right now, keep in mind it's a Sunday afternoon, and i'm trying to do some decent sort of work. Well, the fact that i'm writing this to you shows that i'm not really succeeding at that.
Mitiye, i don't think i have ever been so confused about anything in my entire life ( the confusion resulting from what we discussed last night over the phone - i know we discussed a lot of thing, but i think you'll know what i'm talking about as you read on.) The question for today my deer is To commit or not to commit.
Oh my love, how wonderful it is to be single. What a relief it is to have nothing to lose, to not be responsible for another individual, to simply live for yourself, being the best person you know how, and just... you know that feeling where you have everything under your control, to wake up in the morning and know what you're going to be doing for the rest of the day, to know that you are the one and only individual who can harm yourself, thereby decreasing to the minimum the risk of pain and disappointment. You have everything and everyone at a distance and you can be your fabulous self, and not care. Period.
I know of course there are those nights within which you crave for another humans touch. where loneliness creeps up and makes you question that very fabulous self which has always been on 'the straight path.' We have said it so many times, loneliness is not something which we can easily adopt to, like yagerochachen sewoch endemilut - meches men yemayelemed neger ale? - Well, i don't know if loneliness can be counted within this group. I wonder if anyone of us can ever get use to that feeling where our bodies are screaming for affection, where our emotions seek deep understanding, where for a few scary minutes, nothing matters under the sun except having a significant other next to you...
And then comes the question of who that significant other must be. Is that touch i crave for each night expected to come from a specific kind of individual? Or are relationships much more than the touch, the security, the simple beautiful moments of bliss you share with that person?
...Yet again, even before we get to the kind of individual, i guess there is that question i had hoped to raise earlier - that question of whether or not to give up that wonderful feeling of 'singlhood.' For the fist time in my life i think i understand exactly what that really means. Are we to be so terrified of loneliness so much that we bring in so many complication in our lives just to avoid it? If i chose to be single, am i risking too much? Will i be one of those women my mom talks about - rasachewen semay seklew komew yehew keru! - yemibaluten. Will i regret that decision i've made of going only after my career in a couple years and realize that it was simply not worth it? Should we just give up on the human's ability to stand up just on its own?
… after making that decision of crossing the line between being single and being two, who and what is the other individual suppose to be? Should i be satisfied if he satisfies me and only me, or should i make sure that he goes beyond that and satisfies my - mom, uncles, aunts, brother, friends, my friends families, professors, my fellow workers, financial advisor, that man my dad was close friends with, even that guy I’ll meet while i'm having coffee at starbucks - because… i can picture the scene... “why exactly are you with this man?” the starbucks dude asks me... i pose for a second, and that pose says it all, no further explanation needed ...
Why am i not so certain, why do i think of everyone's opinion except my own?
... and of course there is that incident where you find that 'Mr. Perfect' but in his case he becomes that to everyone else except you. He fails to get up in the middle of the night to go get you cold water because he has that research to work on first thing in the morning, he lacks to understand that him showing his vulnerability does not mean he's showing his weakness, he lacks to impress you even when he has himself placed within the cream of the crop. With such a man, you go to sleep each night being thankful for the life God has given you, because such a life mostly comes with security and predictability, but that same night you wonder if that true love they write about, in fact, exists. If you are lucky you'll be given the ability to brush such thoughts out of your head and live your 'good' life, if you're not so lucky you'll have convinced yourself that true love is only a fairy tale created for the entertainment of the mind, nothing really- only fantasy - and you will have lived the life lived by millions - void of pure love, real intimacy, dedication and inner joy. The sad thing is, no matter how bad I’ve attempted to make this sound unattractive - how easy it is! you receive approval from your surrounding, you deny your naive self and convince yourself of the truth contrary to your initial 'idealistic' beliefs. Really, what more would i want if i'm successful when it comes to my financial stability, if i have the handsome and educated husband, my Mercedes and a house with a backyard. Isn't this what i should want? Isn't this what i want? Is it? I don't know. What is it that's going to matter 20 years from now?
Oh mitisha, it's just too much sometimes to even begin to think about. If i reread this blog even i wouldn't be able to understand what i've been blabbering on and on about. For now, i'm telling myself to see what each day brings and to not overstress...
oh yeah and also, what's that bullshit that people talk about - YOU JUST KNOW it's the right person! I've never heard anything so ridiculous!!! what the heck happens to those of us who haven't been able to 'just know'. are we somehow deprived of an instinct that the few lucky ones have been given? Are we yet suppose to feel somehow inadequate? If my logical self hasn't made me get to a certain conclusion, am i suppose to wait for some sort of a sign which will tell me what my next action should be? By the way, does it come in a whisper in the night or some sort of a loud God sounding voice telling me - He's the one? really, what should i expect? This would be a good tip to have, i mean i wouldn't want to not been alert enough to miss the sign, do i? So please why don't these - 'you just know' communities share their wisdom? Bullshit! - that's what i think it is, you just don't know. you live and you see, you work hard on relationships and you become honest about what it is you really want in your life, you stop being a hypocrite and embrace the ideas you've been preaching all your life. There is no way you just know. You take time and then you know... after that, maybe, you pray to the all mighty that you're done your best to find the perfect mate, after that point, he will hopefully take over...
I hope i'm not sounding bitter, because i'm really not. I am confused - i can't deny that and i wish i could just crawl under my bed and stay there for the next six month... well i guess that's not reality and that doesn't show the strength i say that i have. so i'll pray and i'll just wait and see...
Awaiting your reply,
Rihana
P.S uff, it sure does feel good to vent!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Rihana to Feker - Choosing to love
My beloved friend,
I have so many things to say to you. I'll simply attempt to say as much as i possibly can. I'm so sorry to hear about your zemed, and i can only imagine what it must have been like to hear about it, and what it must have felt to think of the never sent splenda packet. Oh mitisha, i want to tell you how much i love you for being able to write so well and in ways that i can almost hear you through your writing. I'm not kidding this gift of yours shall not go to waste and i'm certain that it won't. I can almost hear you in it and even within the sadness, i smile imagining how you would pronounce every word. All this to say, i love reading you!
Mitisha, active love - with these simple words come so many emotions, i choke. It hits me do deep that i may even consider a bit about what exactly i'm saying while i'm typing. I can't imagine what your zemed must have endured. We are constantly failing to realize how much the emotional part of ourselves needs, just as much as the physical. I think for me the love being "active" is the issue. Sometimes it becomes issue enough for me to question even my ability to love. Remember that doctor Dostoevsky mentioned, who loved humanity but hated the individual? In a somewhat related... but yet again unrelated way... - i love humanity - Alhamdulilah - i love people and that has been a blessing in my life, and i love individuals also, but i wonder so often if these individuals know it, or even understand it. I lack that ability to show them constantly that i do in fact love them even though it may be behind my laughs, my jocks, my 'easy goingness', my 'i don't' mentality....
Mitiye, my work this summer has been a blessing. It has thought me in a much deeper level what it means to smile at a person, what it means to give another person the time to hear what they had to say, to show them they you care and that they matter as an individual. Oh my love, what a smile does! what being real means? What a wonderful feeling to be unselfish, no matter how seldom that feeling comes. The other day i had this idea of writing all the people i love a letter to show them what they mean to me. Of course i would never go through such a thing - abeso enen abedech belew amanuel yelekugnal. Even though i thought of all the smiles it would put on so many people's faces, i refrained hoping that they somehow new.
But, there is one thing i want to say - one thing that we both need to work on is our chelegnanet. Agu always use to warn me - yet yedersal yalut zaf kebele koretew honesh endatekeri. These very small things we do end up meaning the world to the other person on the receiving end. I've caught myself so many times missing opportunities, so many of them. I think this should be something we should keep in mind, but moments like these do come - where it really does become too late to do what we could have done, to say what could have meant the world to someone.
I'm learning in so many levels how hard life can be. Sometimes the way to deal with it is to embrace this very fact. Do the best you can do and them have the ability to to let go. I just finished the book by Ayan Hirsi Ali - i loved it. She did a great job. But you know what was so wonderful. I disagreed with most of her beliefs and ideas. I believe one of her aims in writing this book, and i think one of her aims of her career is to make Muslims question their beliefs and possibly "liberate" them from that very belief system. Mitiye, i finished that book with even an even stronger understanding of why it was that i was a Muslim. I was proud of myself for having matured enough to read such a book and not having responded in an emotional manner, because she was attacking the very idea that my being rests on. I somehow understood where she was coming from, but, for me, her arguments where not strong enough for me to even begin to question my beliefs. She simplified something which was much more complex. For the sake of bringing out a coherent argument, the answers to the questions she raised turned out to be too general to even begin to actually convince me of what she had to say. She raised great questions, she is a strong woman, to say the least, but there were many instances where i thought she had reduced a lot of what she thought to be Islam to her own personal experiences. I can easily get to a different conclusion by using different examples of whatever positive experiences I’ve had as a Muslim. But God help her, especially coming from a culture such as hers... how do you cut of your entire family and go out into the world on your own? Can you believe the guts you need to have? Try to imagine it for a second. I just pray that it would be worth it. Ya Allah, how about all the beating she and her sister endured from their mother? Can you imagine what it would be like if this mother was able to write a book of her own?... Becha...
As you know my summer in Michigan is coming to an end, and i have to say i'm excited to be starting school in a couple weeks. To be in my dorm and have time to myself and think... oh and i'm so looking forward to our Sunday brunch. Please Nafi'n astenkekiat to not abandon me on those mornings, at least not too often. Mitisha, i am no where near to being done with everything that i have to say, but i believe i need to stop right about now. I still have a couple things, especially today had been a very thought provoking day and i wanted to share most of them with you. I don't think i've done a good job of replying to your blogs but i'll do that in my next couple of blogs. For now i'm simply typing as thoughts flow in my head... i'll stop now and tell you that i love you and thank you for the millions time for being the person who understands my very heartbeat. I love you.
Akbarish,
Rihana
P.S while i was typing about active love to you Tony called me... you know what he said? - "Just wanted to tell you i love you" - my heart melted.
I have so many things to say to you. I'll simply attempt to say as much as i possibly can. I'm so sorry to hear about your zemed, and i can only imagine what it must have been like to hear about it, and what it must have felt to think of the never sent splenda packet. Oh mitisha, i want to tell you how much i love you for being able to write so well and in ways that i can almost hear you through your writing. I'm not kidding this gift of yours shall not go to waste and i'm certain that it won't. I can almost hear you in it and even within the sadness, i smile imagining how you would pronounce every word. All this to say, i love reading you!
Mitisha, active love - with these simple words come so many emotions, i choke. It hits me do deep that i may even consider a bit about what exactly i'm saying while i'm typing. I can't imagine what your zemed must have endured. We are constantly failing to realize how much the emotional part of ourselves needs, just as much as the physical. I think for me the love being "active" is the issue. Sometimes it becomes issue enough for me to question even my ability to love. Remember that doctor Dostoevsky mentioned, who loved humanity but hated the individual? In a somewhat related... but yet again unrelated way... - i love humanity - Alhamdulilah - i love people and that has been a blessing in my life, and i love individuals also, but i wonder so often if these individuals know it, or even understand it. I lack that ability to show them constantly that i do in fact love them even though it may be behind my laughs, my jocks, my 'easy goingness', my 'i don't' mentality....
Mitiye, my work this summer has been a blessing. It has thought me in a much deeper level what it means to smile at a person, what it means to give another person the time to hear what they had to say, to show them they you care and that they matter as an individual. Oh my love, what a smile does! what being real means? What a wonderful feeling to be unselfish, no matter how seldom that feeling comes. The other day i had this idea of writing all the people i love a letter to show them what they mean to me. Of course i would never go through such a thing - abeso enen abedech belew amanuel yelekugnal. Even though i thought of all the smiles it would put on so many people's faces, i refrained hoping that they somehow new.
But, there is one thing i want to say - one thing that we both need to work on is our chelegnanet. Agu always use to warn me - yet yedersal yalut zaf kebele koretew honesh endatekeri. These very small things we do end up meaning the world to the other person on the receiving end. I've caught myself so many times missing opportunities, so many of them. I think this should be something we should keep in mind, but moments like these do come - where it really does become too late to do what we could have done, to say what could have meant the world to someone.
I'm learning in so many levels how hard life can be. Sometimes the way to deal with it is to embrace this very fact. Do the best you can do and them have the ability to to let go. I just finished the book by Ayan Hirsi Ali - i loved it. She did a great job. But you know what was so wonderful. I disagreed with most of her beliefs and ideas. I believe one of her aims in writing this book, and i think one of her aims of her career is to make Muslims question their beliefs and possibly "liberate" them from that very belief system. Mitiye, i finished that book with even an even stronger understanding of why it was that i was a Muslim. I was proud of myself for having matured enough to read such a book and not having responded in an emotional manner, because she was attacking the very idea that my being rests on. I somehow understood where she was coming from, but, for me, her arguments where not strong enough for me to even begin to question my beliefs. She simplified something which was much more complex. For the sake of bringing out a coherent argument, the answers to the questions she raised turned out to be too general to even begin to actually convince me of what she had to say. She raised great questions, she is a strong woman, to say the least, but there were many instances where i thought she had reduced a lot of what she thought to be Islam to her own personal experiences. I can easily get to a different conclusion by using different examples of whatever positive experiences I’ve had as a Muslim. But God help her, especially coming from a culture such as hers... how do you cut of your entire family and go out into the world on your own? Can you believe the guts you need to have? Try to imagine it for a second. I just pray that it would be worth it. Ya Allah, how about all the beating she and her sister endured from their mother? Can you imagine what it would be like if this mother was able to write a book of her own?... Becha...
As you know my summer in Michigan is coming to an end, and i have to say i'm excited to be starting school in a couple weeks. To be in my dorm and have time to myself and think... oh and i'm so looking forward to our Sunday brunch. Please Nafi'n astenkekiat to not abandon me on those mornings, at least not too often. Mitisha, i am no where near to being done with everything that i have to say, but i believe i need to stop right about now. I still have a couple things, especially today had been a very thought provoking day and i wanted to share most of them with you. I don't think i've done a good job of replying to your blogs but i'll do that in my next couple of blogs. For now i'm simply typing as thoughts flow in my head... i'll stop now and tell you that i love you and thank you for the millions time for being the person who understands my very heartbeat. I love you.
Akbarish,
Rihana
P.S while i was typing about active love to you Tony called me... you know what he said? - "Just wanted to tell you i love you" - my heart melted.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Feker to Rihana: A packet of 'Splenda'
My dearest darlin,
Please be warned that this post might not be the most positive of my letters to you. This weekend, I called home to allay their fears of my apartmentless situation. Even with my uncle, I know thy won't cease to fuss. So I was talking with my dad about this and that until he drops the news; a close zemed of ours had died. The news? not so shocking. My reaction? Most definitely! You know the me that never cries infront of people? I think my pillows have seen more tears than any human being. Well, when he dropped the bomb, I cried like a child. I really don't know what got into me ... it was bizzare.
So this zemed of mine had diabetes. She's had it for as long as I can remember. I remember us all kids, cousins and yezemed lijoch all congregating at her place on Saturdays. It is one of my most treasured memories from childhood. So it would be me, cousins in MD, and some others from back home ... very young ... saturday late afternoon sessions while our dads drank beer and did their 'ikub' thing. I remember liking her very much because she was always warm and kind to us kids. But I always noticed that she was a shadow of everyone else, by everyone i mean her brothers and sisters. You see, she has this older sister who is much more outgoing ... you know ... what you and I would refer to as 'keltafa'. This one, however nice, was just ... nice and chewa while the other one was exciting, talkative, says what she wants to say to whoever and for us kids she was the cool one.
When my parents were here, they told me that she had taken a turn for the worse. Mitish, I don't know how to explain it but ... beka ... how do you say it? anjete telawese. So I told them that I would buy her a packet of "splenda" for them to take to her. In the end darlin, yesew lij mecheresha ihew newina, I ended up not doing it and they went home empty handed. The part that hurts mitish, is when I proposed to send her the packet, I was sure it wouldn't do her any lasting good. But I wanted her to know she was ... thought of? loved even? And because I have this nonchalance disease deep within me, I neglected to do that one simple thing which would have brought a smile to her face.
Mitiye, a good friend once asked me, while I was going on and on about how awful it is to be UNable to love, "What about not being loved? I hate not being loved". Mitiye, that's exactly what entered my mind when my dad told me the news. I asked him if I should call the older sister and he "I don't think that's necessary. She's not making a big deal of it". Wow. so so cold. Mitiye, Doestovsky? Love? I have a sneaking suspicion her death was caused by diabetes just as much by lack of love. Mitiye, I really do believe that. And it makes it worse doesn't it? Ay darlin, all this to say we shan't forget our lessons on active love, however circumstances might force us to. To love or not to love? There shouldn't even be a choice.
Wedishalew.
Your disconcerted friend.
Please be warned that this post might not be the most positive of my letters to you. This weekend, I called home to allay their fears of my apartmentless situation. Even with my uncle, I know thy won't cease to fuss. So I was talking with my dad about this and that until he drops the news; a close zemed of ours had died. The news? not so shocking. My reaction? Most definitely! You know the me that never cries infront of people? I think my pillows have seen more tears than any human being. Well, when he dropped the bomb, I cried like a child. I really don't know what got into me ... it was bizzare.
So this zemed of mine had diabetes. She's had it for as long as I can remember. I remember us all kids, cousins and yezemed lijoch all congregating at her place on Saturdays. It is one of my most treasured memories from childhood. So it would be me, cousins in MD, and some others from back home ... very young ... saturday late afternoon sessions while our dads drank beer and did their 'ikub' thing. I remember liking her very much because she was always warm and kind to us kids. But I always noticed that she was a shadow of everyone else, by everyone i mean her brothers and sisters. You see, she has this older sister who is much more outgoing ... you know ... what you and I would refer to as 'keltafa'. This one, however nice, was just ... nice and chewa while the other one was exciting, talkative, says what she wants to say to whoever and for us kids she was the cool one.
When my parents were here, they told me that she had taken a turn for the worse. Mitish, I don't know how to explain it but ... beka ... how do you say it? anjete telawese. So I told them that I would buy her a packet of "splenda" for them to take to her. In the end darlin, yesew lij mecheresha ihew newina, I ended up not doing it and they went home empty handed. The part that hurts mitish, is when I proposed to send her the packet, I was sure it wouldn't do her any lasting good. But I wanted her to know she was ... thought of? loved even? And because I have this nonchalance disease deep within me, I neglected to do that one simple thing which would have brought a smile to her face.
Mitiye, a good friend once asked me, while I was going on and on about how awful it is to be UNable to love, "What about not being loved? I hate not being loved". Mitiye, that's exactly what entered my mind when my dad told me the news. I asked him if I should call the older sister and he "I don't think that's necessary. She's not making a big deal of it". Wow. so so cold. Mitiye, Doestovsky? Love? I have a sneaking suspicion her death was caused by diabetes just as much by lack of love. Mitiye, I really do believe that. And it makes it worse doesn't it? Ay darlin, all this to say we shan't forget our lessons on active love, however circumstances might force us to. To love or not to love? There shouldn't even be a choice.
Wedishalew.
Your disconcerted friend.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Feker to Rihana: Mama Mia
Darlin,
This might be a very long and confused post so I beg you to make the most of it. Like I told you yesterday, I went and watched Mama Mia last time, enjoyed it tremendously but couldn't help leaving the movie theatre a little down. While enjoying the beautiful costumes, amazing songs and some of the ridiculous parts of the movie, Merryl Streep decides to kill the moment for me. This she did by singing "Dancing Queen".
"You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen
Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen"
17! Darlin 17 is considered young. It was this peircing realization that I was, not only NOT seventeen but 18,19,20,21,22! Look how beautiful they look even written down? I can't believe those years have gone ... Its just scary yemir. Not to say I don't like where I am now but ... I can't have them back. They've gone ... puff ... leaving only fading memories in their wake. I kept on thinking, on the ride back, that what would be the most regrettable thing of these years. And I guess you already know the answer to that one. Mitish, ... don't know how to explain it but I wonder if we could ever really say 'I've lived my life to the fullest.' Well, except for the regrettable fact that I haven't met one guy to impress me or better yet, allowed myself to be impressed, these past years haven't been too shabby at all. And the gloom subsides ... hehe
There is a certain kind of charm to our office right this moment, most people are out on vacation leaving me with ample time to write to you; dear friend. Other than this cherished act, I've also had time to review most of my favourite blogs, not excluding newspapers from back home. You remember I told you about that column I really enjoy on Addis Admass, Inichewawet? I used to love it when I was back home, it literally had me doubling up with laughter ... the guy is talented aygeltsewim. Bicha, I was catching up on his writings since the website had stopped working for a while and now its back on. I realized, when he talks about women, habesha women to be specific, the dude, I'm afraid to say is down right sexist. Now i know what you're saying mitish, 'anchi demo, inezihinu feministoch litihogni minim alkeresh, tsegur sinteka new eko yeteyayazshiw' ... but not really babe. Honestly, I still find most of his comments funny but what dissapoints me really is that its not just him. Women in our habesha culture still don't get the respect they deserve. Mitisha, would you believe I have never once thought of my being female as a disadvantage, even when we were back home. NOT ONCE! But I'm wondering if the reason you and I never felt it was because we've been sort of sheltered from the prejudice by our parents, siblings, teachers, zemed azmad? Mitish, its amazing how recurrent this theme of the habesha woman as a fickle minded, money grabbing, just a pretty face, ... well you know the rest. Even our very own columnist on Addis Fortune alluded to the same thing ... pretty much agreeing with this friend of hers who had returned from abroad and who had asked her to introduce him to someone because he was looking to settle down or something like that. She said her mind went blank; she couldn't come up with ladies she could see this guy compatible with. I'm not criticizing what she said, but I'm just putting it out there. At least her article offered ways by which we should change this perception of our women. My question to you ... how valid is this? Are habesha women, instead of fighting the prejudice, falling into the trap set by men, i.e., melkish yibekashal kind of attitude? That there is no need to excel professionally as long as all your needs are met? This phenomenon of young beautiful ladies going for rich, older men and seeing that as an end? I don't know mitish, I mean we've talked about this in the past and judging of course has never been our thing. Leaving that aside, I feel like there needs to be a whole psychological shift in the way parents raise their little girls. We need girl heroes in our story books, girls who go out there and save the day, they need menotrs to look up to ... I don't know ... I hope you get where i'm going with this. Let me finish off by a quote I found very simple yet profound ... has nothing to do with the topic ... just found it interesting. muaah muaaah muaaaaaaaah!
"Much is expected, to whom much is given"
Lub you!
P.S. The third person has arrived safely. Called me just now complaining why returning was necessary lol ... i don't think you were too far off when you assumed marriage last time hehe.
This might be a very long and confused post so I beg you to make the most of it. Like I told you yesterday, I went and watched Mama Mia last time, enjoyed it tremendously but couldn't help leaving the movie theatre a little down. While enjoying the beautiful costumes, amazing songs and some of the ridiculous parts of the movie, Merryl Streep decides to kill the moment for me. This she did by singing "Dancing Queen".
"You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen
Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen"
17! Darlin 17 is considered young. It was this peircing realization that I was, not only NOT seventeen but 18,19,20,21,22! Look how beautiful they look even written down? I can't believe those years have gone ... Its just scary yemir. Not to say I don't like where I am now but ... I can't have them back. They've gone ... puff ... leaving only fading memories in their wake. I kept on thinking, on the ride back, that what would be the most regrettable thing of these years. And I guess you already know the answer to that one. Mitish, ... don't know how to explain it but I wonder if we could ever really say 'I've lived my life to the fullest.' Well, except for the regrettable fact that I haven't met one guy to impress me or better yet, allowed myself to be impressed, these past years haven't been too shabby at all. And the gloom subsides ... hehe
There is a certain kind of charm to our office right this moment, most people are out on vacation leaving me with ample time to write to you; dear friend. Other than this cherished act, I've also had time to review most of my favourite blogs, not excluding newspapers from back home. You remember I told you about that column I really enjoy on Addis Admass, Inichewawet? I used to love it when I was back home, it literally had me doubling up with laughter ... the guy is talented aygeltsewim. Bicha, I was catching up on his writings since the website had stopped working for a while and now its back on. I realized, when he talks about women, habesha women to be specific, the dude, I'm afraid to say is down right sexist. Now i know what you're saying mitish, 'anchi demo, inezihinu feministoch litihogni minim alkeresh, tsegur sinteka new eko yeteyayazshiw' ... but not really babe. Honestly, I still find most of his comments funny but what dissapoints me really is that its not just him. Women in our habesha culture still don't get the respect they deserve. Mitisha, would you believe I have never once thought of my being female as a disadvantage, even when we were back home. NOT ONCE! But I'm wondering if the reason you and I never felt it was because we've been sort of sheltered from the prejudice by our parents, siblings, teachers, zemed azmad? Mitish, its amazing how recurrent this theme of the habesha woman as a fickle minded, money grabbing, just a pretty face, ... well you know the rest. Even our very own columnist on Addis Fortune alluded to the same thing ... pretty much agreeing with this friend of hers who had returned from abroad and who had asked her to introduce him to someone because he was looking to settle down or something like that. She said her mind went blank; she couldn't come up with ladies she could see this guy compatible with. I'm not criticizing what she said, but I'm just putting it out there. At least her article offered ways by which we should change this perception of our women. My question to you ... how valid is this? Are habesha women, instead of fighting the prejudice, falling into the trap set by men, i.e., melkish yibekashal kind of attitude? That there is no need to excel professionally as long as all your needs are met? This phenomenon of young beautiful ladies going for rich, older men and seeing that as an end? I don't know mitish, I mean we've talked about this in the past and judging of course has never been our thing. Leaving that aside, I feel like there needs to be a whole psychological shift in the way parents raise their little girls. We need girl heroes in our story books, girls who go out there and save the day, they need menotrs to look up to ... I don't know ... I hope you get where i'm going with this. Let me finish off by a quote I found very simple yet profound ... has nothing to do with the topic ... just found it interesting. muaah muaaah muaaaaaaaah!
"Much is expected, to whom much is given"
Lub you!
P.S. The third person has arrived safely. Called me just now complaining why returning was necessary lol ... i don't think you were too far off when you assumed marriage last time hehe.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Feker to Rihana: Disjointed thoughts
Darlin,
I realized, while reading your mail from yesterday, that I can't really offer you any good, better yet, any real advice. As you know, I'm very much in the dark when it comes to matters of the heart. To me, and to you too until recently, a relationship was tantamount to disaster. I don't know where we picked up those ideas but it is a fear that is still deep within me. Like you said, without knowing why, your ship has sailed. And you really didn't know why, you said. I think I do. I do think, mitisha, looking back you saw there was something missing and so you braved it. As much as I applaud your boldness, I also believe it was the natural thing to follow. What comes afterwards, mi love, is the true 'fetena' so to say. After all, its only worth it if you're willing to fight for it. So don't stress darlin, I have a feeling like everything and by everything i mean moving here, going to MoHo, and all the other countless challenges, some things take a while to get used to.
I am now sitting and writing to you dear friend, after a long day at work, a quick 'mekses', alone in the apartment, and a thunderstorm which reminds me of our beautiful 'kiremt' back home. Couldn't have asked for a better setting. Darlin, you remember when we always said how much of our blessings we took for granted? Well this week I found another one to make me ... i don't know if the word thankful alone would describe my feeling. Mitiye, bewinet new milish when people congratulated me during graduation I couldn't help but be surprised. At home, graduating from college was you duty, not a success that should be celebrated. Honors, yes ... a good job, definitely but certainly not graduation. And yet these days, I am reminded of how precious our education is. To the point where I almost feel guilty about it, our lives are so different from the average habesha here. I mean we had heard stories when we were in MoHo but to see it fit lefit is an effective reality check. I had somehow drifted off thinking that our lives were the norm, that everyone had time to ponder, reflect and ... i don't know, take the morning off if you wanted to. The reality however is definitely less rosy. Take for example a friend's boss who hang up on her when she told him she will not be coming in that morning because she was not feeling well. She had worked for him for the past two years. Or my other friend, though she is a professional, she got a witch of a boss who refuses to give her credit for anything she does. Through all this mitiye, i can't help but see how truly blessed, lucky I am and these thoughts instead of elating me I feel this guilt I can't explain. No matter how hard I've been trying, its something I haven't been able to shake off. Hode, I think i should stop here ... i haven't written half as much as I would like but my 'cheguara' for some reason tenestoal and i need to lie down. Will continue with my disjointed thoughts tomorrow. I love you.
I realized, while reading your mail from yesterday, that I can't really offer you any good, better yet, any real advice. As you know, I'm very much in the dark when it comes to matters of the heart. To me, and to you too until recently, a relationship was tantamount to disaster. I don't know where we picked up those ideas but it is a fear that is still deep within me. Like you said, without knowing why, your ship has sailed. And you really didn't know why, you said. I think I do. I do think, mitisha, looking back you saw there was something missing and so you braved it. As much as I applaud your boldness, I also believe it was the natural thing to follow. What comes afterwards, mi love, is the true 'fetena' so to say. After all, its only worth it if you're willing to fight for it. So don't stress darlin, I have a feeling like everything and by everything i mean moving here, going to MoHo, and all the other countless challenges, some things take a while to get used to.
I am now sitting and writing to you dear friend, after a long day at work, a quick 'mekses', alone in the apartment, and a thunderstorm which reminds me of our beautiful 'kiremt' back home. Couldn't have asked for a better setting. Darlin, you remember when we always said how much of our blessings we took for granted? Well this week I found another one to make me ... i don't know if the word thankful alone would describe my feeling. Mitiye, bewinet new milish when people congratulated me during graduation I couldn't help but be surprised. At home, graduating from college was you duty, not a success that should be celebrated. Honors, yes ... a good job, definitely but certainly not graduation. And yet these days, I am reminded of how precious our education is. To the point where I almost feel guilty about it, our lives are so different from the average habesha here. I mean we had heard stories when we were in MoHo but to see it fit lefit is an effective reality check. I had somehow drifted off thinking that our lives were the norm, that everyone had time to ponder, reflect and ... i don't know, take the morning off if you wanted to. The reality however is definitely less rosy. Take for example a friend's boss who hang up on her when she told him she will not be coming in that morning because she was not feeling well. She had worked for him for the past two years. Or my other friend, though she is a professional, she got a witch of a boss who refuses to give her credit for anything she does. Through all this mitiye, i can't help but see how truly blessed, lucky I am and these thoughts instead of elating me I feel this guilt I can't explain. No matter how hard I've been trying, its something I haven't been able to shake off. Hode, I think i should stop here ... i haven't written half as much as I would like but my 'cheguara' for some reason tenestoal and i need to lie down. Will continue with my disjointed thoughts tomorrow. I love you.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Rihana to Feker - A blank mind
I didn't want you to open our blog and not find me in it, so i thought i would just put in a few words to tell you that i've tried. Currently my mind is blank. I can't think straight. Mitiye, every day i realize our naive we are, and how much i don't want to let that go. Some times i have such a hard time understanding Mamo, because i can feel that a few years back he was almost me - believed in the possibility of a beautiful life and our capacity to embrace it. But now i fear that he has lost that. He questions everything, and i don't have the answers. I don't know why people betray eachother, or why "bad things happen to good people," I don't know why we fall in love and i don't know why... well there is much i don't know. But if there is one thing that i do know, is that i won't let all these negativities put me down. I want to be able to love and laugh at the same time. With him, though i think i am way past the point where i can walk away like i've done with so many. I'm in it way too deep to have the heart to do that. I'll stick it through, but what scares me most, ones past another point ( possibly the next point) it might be too late to turn back.
I think i'm also suffering from my constant inability to express exaclty what it is i'm feeling. I do try, really do try, and sometimes i do succeed. But other times, my love, i never find the right words, or the few word which come into my head just can't do justice to what it is that i feel inside of me.
Aderashen, yehen hulu selesh, don't think i've changed. Because my darling, i haven't. I wish i could tell you that i have, that this and that has happened to me and all that BS. I still can't wait til i start school, and i can't wait til i get into my dorm and have sunday brunch and find a cozzy corner in the library. But i think what has happened is, i've taken maybe another step in life, which either one of us use to never dare of. Don't ask me why i did it, or if it is even a good idea. But like they always say, yelm teferto sayetegna ayetaderem. Do i did do it. And i guess we shall live and see. I think i'll stop... i did start off with a blank mind, but i guess it did have a few random thoughts in it... and i didn't want to break your heart with an empty page - mechem lanchi beye, ye anboha termus west new megbat yemikeregn!!( Taruku's classic saying - mechem you remember him - 5 years temehrt bet yamelalesen)
I love you
I think i'm also suffering from my constant inability to express exaclty what it is i'm feeling. I do try, really do try, and sometimes i do succeed. But other times, my love, i never find the right words, or the few word which come into my head just can't do justice to what it is that i feel inside of me.
Aderashen, yehen hulu selesh, don't think i've changed. Because my darling, i haven't. I wish i could tell you that i have, that this and that has happened to me and all that BS. I still can't wait til i start school, and i can't wait til i get into my dorm and have sunday brunch and find a cozzy corner in the library. But i think what has happened is, i've taken maybe another step in life, which either one of us use to never dare of. Don't ask me why i did it, or if it is even a good idea. But like they always say, yelm teferto sayetegna ayetaderem. Do i did do it. And i guess we shall live and see. I think i'll stop... i did start off with a blank mind, but i guess it did have a few random thoughts in it... and i didn't want to break your heart with an empty page - mechem lanchi beye, ye anboha termus west new megbat yemikeregn!!( Taruku's classic saying - mechem you remember him - 5 years temehrt bet yamelalesen)
I love you
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Feker to Rihana: Renewal of our vows
Darlin,
What can I say? Our conversation from last night keeps on resounding in my head ... its amazing how every time I talk to you a little part of me is ... how should i put it ... my naivety is renewed. And however much people might scorn me for being an idealist, better that than average any day. And babe, for this blog I thank you since its just the outlet I've been looking for to ... what was it you said ... vent? exactly! I need to vent about my apartmentless situation right now, about finding my self in a world not so rosy and people so caught up with everyday mundane details of life so many of us have forgotten about what the big picture is all about. And GOD! this certainly is not it! How do you explain millions of people slaving away, worried about their financial status 24/7 (it doesn't matter if they've been on the job 20 years, they worry just as much as the next person) ... and yet this is the dream land thousands flock to every day. And yet, I can't help but think of the few at the top who accumulate all that ... mitish there is something wrong with this picture. You see people ... existing. Sort of what we were talking about last night ... about the African American plight here. Semonun yeyazkut tsebay degmo ... whenever I walk by a homeless or a seemingly 'ibd' sew, instead of shrinking away like i did when i was a kid ... i simply imagine myself in their place and ... beka min tiyalesh mitish? But I guess what you said last night makes a lot of sense, it's beyond us to even dare try make sense of this world. All you can count and believe in is the little changes you can make at a time ... and even for that small opportunity, we shall forever be thankful to God. Darlin, now that the wirless on my laptop has miraculously started working i shall continue on. ohhhhh forgot one tiny detail ... our wanderer friend just called right now, she'll be arriving on friday. lol. she was very disappointed that she won't be staying at our apartment, even went so far as calling us loosers, four years in college has thought us nothing! (you know that saying yemitadu iyale ye inqibu tentata?!!!!) bicha ... today we shall put down in history as a sort of anniversary ... oh no ... i got a better one ... renewing our vows? lol ... GOD! was that corny or what?> bicha wededishim telashim i'm calling it that. wedishalew babe ... read you soon.
What can I say? Our conversation from last night keeps on resounding in my head ... its amazing how every time I talk to you a little part of me is ... how should i put it ... my naivety is renewed. And however much people might scorn me for being an idealist, better that than average any day. And babe, for this blog I thank you since its just the outlet I've been looking for to ... what was it you said ... vent? exactly! I need to vent about my apartmentless situation right now, about finding my self in a world not so rosy and people so caught up with everyday mundane details of life so many of us have forgotten about what the big picture is all about. And GOD! this certainly is not it! How do you explain millions of people slaving away, worried about their financial status 24/7 (it doesn't matter if they've been on the job 20 years, they worry just as much as the next person) ... and yet this is the dream land thousands flock to every day. And yet, I can't help but think of the few at the top who accumulate all that ... mitish there is something wrong with this picture. You see people ... existing. Sort of what we were talking about last night ... about the African American plight here. Semonun yeyazkut tsebay degmo ... whenever I walk by a homeless or a seemingly 'ibd' sew, instead of shrinking away like i did when i was a kid ... i simply imagine myself in their place and ... beka min tiyalesh mitish? But I guess what you said last night makes a lot of sense, it's beyond us to even dare try make sense of this world. All you can count and believe in is the little changes you can make at a time ... and even for that small opportunity, we shall forever be thankful to God. Darlin, now that the wirless on my laptop has miraculously started working i shall continue on. ohhhhh forgot one tiny detail ... our wanderer friend just called right now, she'll be arriving on friday. lol. she was very disappointed that she won't be staying at our apartment, even went so far as calling us loosers, four years in college has thought us nothing! (you know that saying yemitadu iyale ye inqibu tentata?!!!!) bicha ... today we shall put down in history as a sort of anniversary ... oh no ... i got a better one ... renewing our vows? lol ... GOD! was that corny or what?> bicha wededishim telashim i'm calling it that. wedishalew babe ... read you soon.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
From Rihana to Feker - The First of our Letters through this blog.
Aleme,
It seems like i haven't talked to you in a life time. I guess both of us being busy with our jobs - can be seen as a good excuse... well, i don't think it's good enough. I had spent the last few days thinking about a possibility of you and i runing into eachother on the streets of washington DC with our men or possibly kids 10 years from now and saying " oh... we were so close back in college! wi wi, mechem sew kalmote yegenagnal" - well if this happens - gedeyesh kerchele! i'm not kidding. I feel like we're both drawning in the realities of our every day lives, in two different states of the country, possibly going towards the path of 'indifference' when it comes to a lot of things.
My love, i don't have the luxury to take this risk, i can not possibly risk of losing the many passions we have within our selves - oh babe, how easy it is for that to happen....
My fear has initiated me to create this blog for the sake of the soul of the both of us and our futures. I've seen many people get into a life which breaks the hearts of people like you and i. and the way it looks to me at this point - we might end up being one of them. I hope you will not hate me for putting some of our previos private emails up on this blog. But it had to be done. We both need this to vent. You and I are probably going to be the two people who'll look at this blog. But the beauty of it is that it's in an organized fashion so that we will keep doing it for as long as we possibly can. It is suppose to be a constant reminder of what we believe in, the changes we've went through ( oh God if you read back on our emails, you'll see how big those changes where) and the destinations we're heading towards.
It's suppose to be a documentation of our passions, our thoughts, our dreams - a documentation of who we are. So here, i have started it, and it's now your responsibility to get it going. So next time i check my yahoo email - i don't wanna see an email from you. I'll be checking this blog. ( you'll recieve the username and password in a text on your phone.) Start blogging as soon as possible and we both have to blog at least once a week. I love you, and i have done this without your opinion because i honestly believe with everything that i am - WE NEED THIS - there is a lot at stake here!
Adnakish Ke Michigan
It seems like i haven't talked to you in a life time. I guess both of us being busy with our jobs - can be seen as a good excuse... well, i don't think it's good enough. I had spent the last few days thinking about a possibility of you and i runing into eachother on the streets of washington DC with our men or possibly kids 10 years from now and saying " oh... we were so close back in college! wi wi, mechem sew kalmote yegenagnal" - well if this happens - gedeyesh kerchele! i'm not kidding. I feel like we're both drawning in the realities of our every day lives, in two different states of the country, possibly going towards the path of 'indifference' when it comes to a lot of things.
My love, i don't have the luxury to take this risk, i can not possibly risk of losing the many passions we have within our selves - oh babe, how easy it is for that to happen....
My fear has initiated me to create this blog for the sake of the soul of the both of us and our futures. I've seen many people get into a life which breaks the hearts of people like you and i. and the way it looks to me at this point - we might end up being one of them. I hope you will not hate me for putting some of our previos private emails up on this blog. But it had to be done. We both need this to vent. You and I are probably going to be the two people who'll look at this blog. But the beauty of it is that it's in an organized fashion so that we will keep doing it for as long as we possibly can. It is suppose to be a constant reminder of what we believe in, the changes we've went through ( oh God if you read back on our emails, you'll see how big those changes where) and the destinations we're heading towards.
It's suppose to be a documentation of our passions, our thoughts, our dreams - a documentation of who we are. So here, i have started it, and it's now your responsibility to get it going. So next time i check my yahoo email - i don't wanna see an email from you. I'll be checking this blog. ( you'll recieve the username and password in a text on your phone.) Start blogging as soon as possible and we both have to blog at least once a week. I love you, and i have done this without your opinion because i honestly believe with everything that i am - WE NEED THIS - there is a lot at stake here!
Adnakish Ke Michigan
From Feker to Rihana - June 19, 2008
Hode,
K friend from now on at the very least I will need a confirmation that you are at least reading my mails if not responding … k gidigidaga iyawerahu indalehone lemawek malet new. Mitiye, I know I’ve been a bad friend in the past few weeks gin bitayign you’d be amazed I’m even surviving. Ketewat jemiro there’s work and right afterwards I have to entertain the parents minamin and its just been hectic as hell. And it feels like I’m trying to squeeze in as much time as possible with them since God knows when I’ll be seeing them again. Bitayi mitiyi bilshit argewugn lihedu new. I got used to that ‘I don’t have to worry about stuff so much cuz there are adults present’ kind of attitude and now they’re leaving and I feel like the 18 year old who was leaving her home again. Its weird but it also got me to reflect on a lot of things in my life. More about this some other time. Today I went to lunch with an intern here to the main cafeteria to sample their apparently most sought out cuisine. Mitiye, liben tamime temeleskulish. Sijemir gena keberu jemiro yalew security beka everyone SCREAMS ‘kebad sew’. The cafeteria deserves every praise I have heard so far. First thing that greeted me as I entered the doors (...). I swear mitiye the irony of it all I just couldn’t suppress the laughter bubbling inside. Siketil the cafeteria boasts any dish you might fancy, from oriental to African to plain ole pizza. And the people? They have their fantastic lunches everyday at this fantastic cafeteria while they discuss the millions starving, wretched citizens of our sad world. Something wrong with this picture? Inja mitiye, nege inem I might even end up leading these same conversations with the same people, except then they’d be my colleagues who I won’t ridicule but share common sentiments with.Ay mitisha, I swear new milish beka bicha betam azenkugn. Demo there were a lot of international people there and I imagined their lives here away from their homes of course patting themselves at the back for landing a job with the esteemed world bank (kind of like what I’m doin right about now)and never really accomplishing much for their people. You know what I want right now? I would love to have a convo with my mirror ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the hypocrite of them all?” I’m not worried about the answer now in a few years???!!! The mirror will be the bane of my existence and I will only have two choices. I will either shut the mirror in its rightful place (yehone kum satin wist) and let it collect dust or I will look, listen and take charge. Darlin, I emailed Nafki last time and asked of an update from her. Lijachin is in Argentina (do you believe?) chillin nonetheless and is not sure whether she’ll be staying there for the summer or not. But she’s fine and I told her you’d have news for her and she’s not too happy about it. She thinks you’re “crazy” lol. Wedishalew mitiye … I shall call ya kesira siweta.
K friend from now on at the very least I will need a confirmation that you are at least reading my mails if not responding … k gidigidaga iyawerahu indalehone lemawek malet new. Mitiye, I know I’ve been a bad friend in the past few weeks gin bitayign you’d be amazed I’m even surviving. Ketewat jemiro there’s work and right afterwards I have to entertain the parents minamin and its just been hectic as hell. And it feels like I’m trying to squeeze in as much time as possible with them since God knows when I’ll be seeing them again. Bitayi mitiyi bilshit argewugn lihedu new. I got used to that ‘I don’t have to worry about stuff so much cuz there are adults present’ kind of attitude and now they’re leaving and I feel like the 18 year old who was leaving her home again. Its weird but it also got me to reflect on a lot of things in my life. More about this some other time. Today I went to lunch with an intern here to the main cafeteria to sample their apparently most sought out cuisine. Mitiye, liben tamime temeleskulish. Sijemir gena keberu jemiro yalew security beka everyone SCREAMS ‘kebad sew’. The cafeteria deserves every praise I have heard so far. First thing that greeted me as I entered the doors (...). I swear mitiye the irony of it all I just couldn’t suppress the laughter bubbling inside. Siketil the cafeteria boasts any dish you might fancy, from oriental to African to plain ole pizza. And the people? They have their fantastic lunches everyday at this fantastic cafeteria while they discuss the millions starving, wretched citizens of our sad world. Something wrong with this picture? Inja mitiye, nege inem I might even end up leading these same conversations with the same people, except then they’d be my colleagues who I won’t ridicule but share common sentiments with.Ay mitisha, I swear new milish beka bicha betam azenkugn. Demo there were a lot of international people there and I imagined their lives here away from their homes of course patting themselves at the back for landing a job with the esteemed world bank (kind of like what I’m doin right about now)and never really accomplishing much for their people. You know what I want right now? I would love to have a convo with my mirror ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the hypocrite of them all?” I’m not worried about the answer now in a few years???!!! The mirror will be the bane of my existence and I will only have two choices. I will either shut the mirror in its rightful place (yehone kum satin wist) and let it collect dust or I will look, listen and take charge. Darlin, I emailed Nafki last time and asked of an update from her. Lijachin is in Argentina (do you believe?) chillin nonetheless and is not sure whether she’ll be staying there for the summer or not. But she’s fine and I told her you’d have news for her and she’s not too happy about it. She thinks you’re “crazy” lol. Wedishalew mitiye … I shall call ya kesira siweta.
From Feker to Rihan - June 17, 2008
Darlin ...
I was going through our emails, again, cuz my boss doesn't have anything for me as of this moment since i'm not in the system yet. And so i am writing to you, and the best part is that i'm getting paid for it by an organization that we all really, really love so much. (insert here: sarcasm) lol ... mitishaye, since I haven't really replied to your last e-mail, why don't i start from there. Actually, to something you said yesterday that really got me thinking. You know ... this whole idea of getting used to certain things, like you are now to M. And how you mentioned that the reason things seem so bad right now is because maybe you're thinking this is the norm, having someone in your life who makes you say 'i'm not alone in this world'. Sure we have our families and friends but i don't need to tell you that it is not quite the same feeling. My advice babe: go with the flow, the worst thing you could do is fight this feeling. And i do believe you will comeout a better person for it. (anchi amedam you're probably sayin in your head: i'm the BEST person, what is she talkin about. hehe) On another note, like i mentioned earlier i was sitting here and reading our emails. Mitish, do you beleive? I already miss us. Not even in the sense of us being physically together (although you shot that down to hell as well by declaring you'll be gallivanting wiz Mr. M in F hehe) ... but also the idealistic us who are full of passion for life, school, work, people ... add music and religion here and there and voila ... a couple of naive kids who have visions for a better world. aydel ende? (your answer here should have been a resounding ENDETA!) nways babe, aygermim ... already i feel that slipping away. Don't get me wrong mitish, Egzer yazilkilign inji i think i'm gonna really enjoy working here. Its something that i'm passionate about, the perfect environment for networking and the mesria bet is small enough you actually get to know the people minanim. But that I'm gonna change the world attitude is disappearing as I find myself as a tinyspeck in this whirlwind of what they call life. I feel overwhelmed and so ... small. Apart from furthering my own professional and personal life, I am so scared my life will have nothing else. You know, it will all be about me. I'm so scared i'm gonna end up being one of those zenach moms who ... i swear mitish, i'm literally out of words. This is exactly what i mean. I would have the 'perfect' life and it would all be about me, me ME! And all those thoughts would have been for nothing ... puff ... somethin i will laughingly tell my equally zenach soccer mom friend about how naive, driven and idealistic i was back then. Ok this subject is too depressing to even contemplate and frankly i don't even know where i'm goin with this. sorry about the jumble darlin.Onto more interesting stuff. Mitish meches ahun ye office gossip kaljemerku meche? fit le fite office wist yalew lij kemamaru yetenesa i am regrettting man fitu getirugn indalachew. actually, mamar sayhon a certain ooze of confidence and quirkiness ... lenegeru min aswashegn, konjom new. i think yene roshan ager lij new, minus that ear-piercing, painful accent of course. lela man ale ... mitish lol i think i'm the baby in the office ina its kinda awakward. kahun behuala yedime tiyake avoid betam lemareg iyemokerkugn new ... ho ho ... demo buna afiyi indaymeta kes bilo. hehe ... mitiye benatish betechale meten aydebrish eshi? i know that's an inadequate matsnagna gin i don't even know what to tell ya. but i have faith in you ... you'll be back to your old self before you know it. me loves you ... i don't need to tell u to write back. yanchiw always,mititi.
I was going through our emails, again, cuz my boss doesn't have anything for me as of this moment since i'm not in the system yet. And so i am writing to you, and the best part is that i'm getting paid for it by an organization that we all really, really love so much. (insert here: sarcasm) lol ... mitishaye, since I haven't really replied to your last e-mail, why don't i start from there. Actually, to something you said yesterday that really got me thinking. You know ... this whole idea of getting used to certain things, like you are now to M. And how you mentioned that the reason things seem so bad right now is because maybe you're thinking this is the norm, having someone in your life who makes you say 'i'm not alone in this world'. Sure we have our families and friends but i don't need to tell you that it is not quite the same feeling. My advice babe: go with the flow, the worst thing you could do is fight this feeling. And i do believe you will comeout a better person for it. (anchi amedam you're probably sayin in your head: i'm the BEST person, what is she talkin about. hehe) On another note, like i mentioned earlier i was sitting here and reading our emails. Mitish, do you beleive? I already miss us. Not even in the sense of us being physically together (although you shot that down to hell as well by declaring you'll be gallivanting wiz Mr. M in F hehe) ... but also the idealistic us who are full of passion for life, school, work, people ... add music and religion here and there and voila ... a couple of naive kids who have visions for a better world. aydel ende? (your answer here should have been a resounding ENDETA!) nways babe, aygermim ... already i feel that slipping away. Don't get me wrong mitish, Egzer yazilkilign inji i think i'm gonna really enjoy working here. Its something that i'm passionate about, the perfect environment for networking and the mesria bet is small enough you actually get to know the people minanim. But that I'm gonna change the world attitude is disappearing as I find myself as a tinyspeck in this whirlwind of what they call life. I feel overwhelmed and so ... small. Apart from furthering my own professional and personal life, I am so scared my life will have nothing else. You know, it will all be about me. I'm so scared i'm gonna end up being one of those zenach moms who ... i swear mitish, i'm literally out of words. This is exactly what i mean. I would have the 'perfect' life and it would all be about me, me ME! And all those thoughts would have been for nothing ... puff ... somethin i will laughingly tell my equally zenach soccer mom friend about how naive, driven and idealistic i was back then. Ok this subject is too depressing to even contemplate and frankly i don't even know where i'm goin with this. sorry about the jumble darlin.Onto more interesting stuff. Mitish meches ahun ye office gossip kaljemerku meche? fit le fite office wist yalew lij kemamaru yetenesa i am regrettting man fitu getirugn indalachew. actually, mamar sayhon a certain ooze of confidence and quirkiness ... lenegeru min aswashegn, konjom new. i think yene roshan ager lij new, minus that ear-piercing, painful accent of course. lela man ale ... mitish lol i think i'm the baby in the office ina its kinda awakward. kahun behuala yedime tiyake avoid betam lemareg iyemokerkugn new ... ho ho ... demo buna afiyi indaymeta kes bilo. hehe ... mitiye benatish betechale meten aydebrish eshi? i know that's an inadequate matsnagna gin i don't even know what to tell ya. but i have faith in you ... you'll be back to your old self before you know it. me loves you ... i don't need to tell u to write back. yanchiw always,mititi.
From Rihana to Feker - June 15, 2008
Aleme, I called you a couple times and it seems life in DC> is kicking your ass. Well, i finally have found a computer> so thought it would be a good time to vent a little bit.> Sadly my venting doesn't consist of the derk in> Ethiopia or anything in that line. I won't be> articulate or attempt to go beyond my usual self... babe, i> will apologize before hand if my email sounds not just> pessimistic but plane... what's the word?... sad maybe.> For some reason today has been one of those sad days.> I'm scared of something which i do not know about. I> guess it's because i have a lot of time to myself and> don't have my laptop to keep me busy. I feel numb for> some reason. But most of all Mitiye, i feel like i've> lost something in me. Some sort of substance in me which> use to motivate me... you don't know...i had started> praying, and i'm so embarrassed to say that i struggle> to keep up. It kills me. There is just something i feel has> disappeared in me for some reason -> especially these days. And what is more contradictory is> that i've been in an environment which is so motivating> for that past week... i guess tonight seems very much> related to that one lonesome night in Cairo, remember?> Things feel dim, lonely... Mitiye, Mamoma baynor i> don't know what i would have felt like. I do think he> could not have entered my life at a better time. He wakes> me up every morning and it's him i talk to each night> before i go to bed. Would you think i was crazy if i told> you ___? is that even possible? The definitions might differ, but all i know is that he puts a smile> on my face and has never said a single thing to make me> feel weird... i feel like my email is very inappropriate as> a reply to yours, especially because of all the negative> tone it carries within it. I do apologize. > I really can't wait to graduate. i really can't.> I'm still praying everyday that my destiny leads me> back home. I was talking to Ha the other day and oh how> i wished i was there. i know i have no reasons to feel this> way, but i think i'm just feeling too lonely... or i> don't know. it's one of those nights when i want to> hide under my covers and think the world out of its> existence! i feel weak for some reason, i feel quite... Ayi> yi, ayesh Mamo endet endekeledebegn.. i feel i feel, ahun> men yemiyasbel neger meta... egzer yestew...> > becha aleme, i don't know what i've written so far,> if it is confusing to you... well it's cuz I’m in a confused> state of mind... i better go and ... well hope for the best.> i love you.
Chapter Two -From Feker to Rihana - June 10, 2008
babe! I'm like so lost without our mails :). Seriouslythough ... that mediocrity spell, I feel, is fastapproaching. And this fabulous gal needs to dosomething about it. And what better company thananother equally fabulous gal? (the former being me thelatter you ... lol ... ) Nways, babe ... how goes it?I think an email from you is long overdue since youhave so much to share while my life currently consistsof arguing with my mom like a sixteen year old abouttiny details like which color my 'ansola' needs to beor how i should have learnt how to cook a long timeago like she told me to so that I won't starve nextyear. yeah! real exciting! But other than that, Ican't ask for more, except maybe a bit moreinternational news on CNN just so I wouldn't have tolook at another update about Hulk Hogan or whateverhis face is and his son's trial ( i'm still hazy overthe details). Today mitish the ppl upstairs invited us over for'buna' which of course also involved an elaboratelayout of buffe and just as I was about to dig intothe doro wot, our very own emaciated ppl came on T.V.,harbingers of yet another dirq that is threatening tohit our country sometime in September. And ... inja... yehone neger tenanekegn takialesh mitish. Beka Idon't quite know how to describe it ... just the sheerinjustice of it all beka betam azenku. Just like theadults all i did was give lip service and chant, 'ayyachi yaltadelech ager!' then moved on to some teraconversation about how when ppl are hungry they can becapable of the most 'insane' things. Ay mitish, gidyeleshim sometimes minew indeneza sewoch baregegnilalew. You know those ppl, who never look back? Wewere talkin about the same subject with Y theother day he was also saying how a lot of his friendscouldn't care less whether they returned or not. Infact, most of them are so very content with theirlives here. He on the other hand, wants to teach at aUniversity not because he particularly likes theprofession but because it would afford him to go toEthiopia during breaks. And then it hit me. People whosuffer most are those who are in between, sort of likehow we are right now. We can't tear ourselves away butwe can't just pick up and leave. Mitish, plz plz don'tcall me negative but sometimes i'm scared to have theguts to leave one day and there would be no country togo back to. I know that's not gonna happen ginsometimes i'm so scared that the we might end upsharing Somalia's fate. Sibihattttttttttt! Bicha hun,sorry for the somber letter, I just had to vent. Willbe expecting to read u soon. wedishalew.
From Feker to Rihana - Spring break - 2008
Mitiye,
I was goin for ma diary, decided to check my mail, got
ur message and so here goes. Tilantina zare, I've been
hangin out with Earth. We met for the first time
yesterday after well, a year and half friendship.
Yigermal
mitiye, lijinet endet arif neger new? WOUF! Its the
most eko amazing thing ... bicha bizu salfelasef wede
kum negeru. Mitish, is it weird that I really liked
him? Now, the thing i don't understand is ... did I
like him because i knew he had a girlfriend and
therefore not a threat to myself? Inja mitish, gin
yesterday it was just the two of us, today he
introduced me to a bunch of his friends ...
betaaaaaaaaaaaam des yemilu group (typical sanjo boys)
and we had a blast. For the very first time in this
country, I laughed 'hoden yije' with people other than
you and a select few. Yemiyasazinew eko mitish, nege
if this guy became single and asked me out I would of
course freak and perform one of my disappearing acts
until 'zeraf' bilo dewilo 'hell gibi' eskemilegn ...
lol ... Mitiye gin yigermal Earth, in a way he's
closer to the ideal guy than anyone else. He's ...
real. Betam genuine, well informed, hella funny
(leziayawim yabesha funny newa) n all that. Its a
wonder he's not with another Earth one mitish, a wonder
and a shame. He could have made her real happy. We
talked about his girlfriend (a little)and he said _____
(This was in reference to the fact that I had
a blast with his friends) ... Bicha mitish ... this
amazing guy is gonna settle down with a non-Earth who
will never really appreciate his Earthly self ...
mitiye, yegnanis man awekelin indeed!
wedishalew ... see u soon yene wud.
I was goin for ma diary, decided to check my mail, got
ur message and so here goes. Tilantina zare, I've been
hangin out with Earth. We met for the first time
yesterday after well, a year and half friendship.
Yigermal
mitiye, lijinet endet arif neger new? WOUF! Its the
most eko amazing thing ... bicha bizu salfelasef wede
kum negeru. Mitish, is it weird that I really liked
him? Now, the thing i don't understand is ... did I
like him because i knew he had a girlfriend and
therefore not a threat to myself? Inja mitish, gin
yesterday it was just the two of us, today he
introduced me to a bunch of his friends ...
betaaaaaaaaaaaam des yemilu group (typical sanjo boys)
and we had a blast. For the very first time in this
country, I laughed 'hoden yije' with people other than
you and a select few. Yemiyasazinew eko mitish, nege
if this guy became single and asked me out I would of
course freak and perform one of my disappearing acts
until 'zeraf' bilo dewilo 'hell gibi' eskemilegn ...
lol ... Mitiye gin yigermal Earth, in a way he's
closer to the ideal guy than anyone else. He's ...
real. Betam genuine, well informed, hella funny
(leziayawim yabesha funny newa) n all that. Its a
wonder he's not with another Earth one mitish, a wonder
and a shame. He could have made her real happy. We
talked about his girlfriend (a little)and he said _____
(This was in reference to the fact that I had
a blast with his friends) ... Bicha mitish ... this
amazing guy is gonna settle down with a non-Earth who
will never really appreciate his Earthly self ...
mitiye, yegnanis man awekelin indeed!
wedishalew ... see u soon yene wud.
From Rihana to Feker - Spring break, 2008
> Darlin, Kedamew endet yezoshal? Mitiye, i'm in one
> of my panicking moments. I have three papers to hand
> in by friday ena i'm freaking out. Beza lay i don't
> have time here to do it, with all the socializing
> stuff. Allah alegn mechem. I can't believe i keep
> messin up in the last minute - alastelam... gen my
> media paper written in only a couple hours turned
> out to be cool... ( ayesh What that dude Paulo said,
> once you know your destiny the universe conspires to
> help you walk in that direction) Becha wede wana
> wereye legwaz.
>
> Last night i went to see the lady in Colorado, awekshat aydel? ( oh
> and before that i got my hair done, i look dead
> gorgeous! - men yaregal Moho will take its toll on
> me in a couple days) becha, i'm not use if i've told
> you that she got married. When i heard about it in
> Addis i wasn't sure about the situation, you know
> the guy might have married her for her papers or.. i
> wasn't sure where exactly they would live... you
> know those kinds of logistics... Becha we she
> started telling me how they met and all that good
> stuff. Well she didn't meet him through family,
> which is a good thing, especially being from a
> family with great potential to be nosy. He's a
> lawyer working in Addis. Becha, from all the things
> she was talking about, she was telling me how this
> time she's so sure that this is the man she wants to
> be with. It was great, cuz through out the years i
> can't even begin to tell you how many guys she
> turned down for one reason or another. Gen this time
> she said the classic cliché " BEKA
> BEWESTE TAWEKEGN"!!!!!!!!!!!! Ay bewest metawek.
> Even tho i was very happy for her, it was too much
> and my pessimist self would not lie still. One was
> how in the world did she survive all these years
> ALONE? as if she knew what i was thinking merdoyen
> atnegregn meselesh. she was like - it's hard being
> alone and that i should be open to relationships,
> mitiye only about a year ago she was telling me how
> young i was and how i shouldn't be thinking about
> these things bla bla. Now it's a whole other story.
> Can you believe, the lady who thought i was crazy
> for wanting to go back home, had decided she'd do
> the exact same thing in only a couple of years!!!
> Becha men elalew... yegnanew mecheresha yasayen
> beye.... keza she wanted me to tell her about my
> 'experiences' yeah right!, becha yeferedebet E
> tenesana, i told her about him....
> Mitisha you know what was so funny? i feel
> like i talk about different guys depending on the
> situation. It's the crazies thing. And what is more
> crazy is that at every different occasion, i feel
> like may be 'this' person was the best one for me.
> Like i said "this" person being different with every
> occasion. I just felt it yesterday. I was telling
> her about E and i was feeling like oh shit,
> things have been amazing if i ended up with him. Gen
> believe me, if i was in a different situation, i
> would start thinking oh maybe Y would be the best
> thing. Mitiye, am i thinking that i'm living in a
> stinking NOVEL!!! i'm not kidding, Ahun telant i was
> thinking oh maybe i did like Elias the most!? Gen
> later on, wii ere aydelem M’s... Mitiye... i have
> no heart i'm telling you. Derew biyaskemetugn
> sayeshal alkerem. Betam new gen yemigermew.
> Becha at the end of the day, When i hear people
> like the lady and the uncle about the importance of
> relationships, well i choke and freak out and all
> that stuff. GUDACHEN NEW YEMIYASBELEGN. bekerb
> ametat agere tekleye begeba endaygermesh
> lemanegnawem.
> ... Mitiye,.. i just finished eating an amazing
> breakfast Hana just cooked, mitisha ende arogit all
> i do is chill around and they take care of me eshi.
> Mechem allah yestachew. Oh shit and i don't even
> know how i'm going to drive from Hartford to Moho
> tomorrow night! I don't want to ask him to come
> and pick me up at midnight. Gude fela eshi! Becha
> darlin... yekebaterkutenem alawkem. Hana is sitting
> next to me so tenesh lawarat.....mua mua mua
>
> of my panicking moments. I have three papers to hand
> in by friday ena i'm freaking out. Beza lay i don't
> have time here to do it, with all the socializing
> stuff. Allah alegn mechem. I can't believe i keep
> messin up in the last minute - alastelam... gen my
> media paper written in only a couple hours turned
> out to be cool... ( ayesh What that dude Paulo said,
> once you know your destiny the universe conspires to
> help you walk in that direction) Becha wede wana
> wereye legwaz.
>
> Last night i went to see the lady in Colorado, awekshat aydel? ( oh
> and before that i got my hair done, i look dead
> gorgeous! - men yaregal Moho will take its toll on
> me in a couple days) becha, i'm not use if i've told
> you that she got married. When i heard about it in
> Addis i wasn't sure about the situation, you know
> the guy might have married her for her papers or.. i
> wasn't sure where exactly they would live... you
> know those kinds of logistics... Becha we she
> started telling me how they met and all that good
> stuff. Well she didn't meet him through family,
> which is a good thing, especially being from a
> family with great potential to be nosy. He's a
> lawyer working in Addis. Becha, from all the things
> she was talking about, she was telling me how this
> time she's so sure that this is the man she wants to
> be with. It was great, cuz through out the years i
> can't even begin to tell you how many guys she
> turned down for one reason or another. Gen this time
> she said the classic cliché " BEKA
> BEWESTE TAWEKEGN"!!!!!!!!!!!! Ay bewest metawek.
> Even tho i was very happy for her, it was too much
> and my pessimist self would not lie still. One was
> how in the world did she survive all these years
> ALONE? as if she knew what i was thinking merdoyen
> atnegregn meselesh. she was like - it's hard being
> alone and that i should be open to relationships,
> mitiye only about a year ago she was telling me how
> young i was and how i shouldn't be thinking about
> these things bla bla. Now it's a whole other story.
> Can you believe, the lady who thought i was crazy
> for wanting to go back home, had decided she'd do
> the exact same thing in only a couple of years!!!
> Becha men elalew... yegnanew mecheresha yasayen
> beye.... keza she wanted me to tell her about my
> 'experiences' yeah right!, becha yeferedebet E
> tenesana, i told her about him....
> Mitisha you know what was so funny? i feel
> like i talk about different guys depending on the
> situation. It's the crazies thing. And what is more
> crazy is that at every different occasion, i feel
> like may be 'this' person was the best one for me.
> Like i said "this" person being different with every
> occasion. I just felt it yesterday. I was telling
> her about E and i was feeling like oh shit,
> things have been amazing if i ended up with him. Gen
> believe me, if i was in a different situation, i
> would start thinking oh maybe Y would be the best
> thing. Mitiye, am i thinking that i'm living in a
> stinking NOVEL!!! i'm not kidding, Ahun telant i was
> thinking oh maybe i did like Elias the most!? Gen
> later on, wii ere aydelem M’s... Mitiye... i have
> no heart i'm telling you. Derew biyaskemetugn
> sayeshal alkerem. Betam new gen yemigermew.
> Becha at the end of the day, When i hear people
> like the lady and the uncle about the importance of
> relationships, well i choke and freak out and all
> that stuff. GUDACHEN NEW YEMIYASBELEGN. bekerb
> ametat agere tekleye begeba endaygermesh
> lemanegnawem.
> ... Mitiye,.. i just finished eating an amazing
> breakfast Hana just cooked, mitisha ende arogit all
> i do is chill around and they take care of me eshi.
> Mechem allah yestachew. Oh shit and i don't even
> know how i'm going to drive from Hartford to Moho
> tomorrow night! I don't want to ask him to come
> and pick me up at midnight. Gude fela eshi! Becha
> darlin... yekebaterkutenem alawkem. Hana is sitting
> next to me so tenesh lawarat.....mua mua mua
>
From Feker to Rihana - End of December
Yene Fikir,
Let's raise our glasses to yet another brilliant idea
of yours. Beijigu ismamalew, we sooooooooooooo need to
continue doin what we do best, philosophizing be bado
meda ... lol ... and THAT's why we have the best of
both worlds yene wud. I was leafing through a copy of
"addis admas" my uncle brought from back home and this
guy, i think he's the head of yared music timirt bet
or somethin but in his interview, when asked who he
admired in this world, he replied, 'too many to count
and amongst them, there are people who are neither
famous nor rich'. Going back to the concept of being a
positive force in this world. He also said 'i never
knew hating people took up so much energy ... leka
sewin bemewded ignaw nen minitekemew' ... the guy
sounds interesting. Bicha going back to our discussion
of being a positive force in this world. Mitish, even
in the past few days, I have encountered so many
things to make me cringe about my 'yedilot' nuro. And
yet, I look at my uncle and think, this guy is neither
educated nor rich but he is an inspiration. He works
too jobs, barely has time to sit down and chill with
us but oh mitish, satisfaction is written ALL over his
face. not blabber on about him but it got me thinkin.
And this also goes back to an episode of sex n the
city where Carry mentions how we are always waiting
for the ONE thing that will complete everything. The
ONE could be a guy, a job, a house, a car da da da ...
To get past that, to live to your OWN expectations
(which surprisingly are higher than our loved ones have
of us), to live the life you've always dreamed of, to
be that person in the room who makes others forget
about their problems even for a little while ... to be
all that mitish, we have to fight that MENGA amongst
MENGA fight, mediocrity in all its hideous forms. And
to that effect my love, our emails are an absolute
necessity. muaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ... 'LE'n begugit
itebikalew ...
Let's raise our glasses to yet another brilliant idea
of yours. Beijigu ismamalew, we sooooooooooooo need to
continue doin what we do best, philosophizing be bado
meda ... lol ... and THAT's why we have the best of
both worlds yene wud. I was leafing through a copy of
"addis admas" my uncle brought from back home and this
guy, i think he's the head of yared music timirt bet
or somethin but in his interview, when asked who he
admired in this world, he replied, 'too many to count
and amongst them, there are people who are neither
famous nor rich'. Going back to the concept of being a
positive force in this world. He also said 'i never
knew hating people took up so much energy ... leka
sewin bemewded ignaw nen minitekemew' ... the guy
sounds interesting. Bicha going back to our discussion
of being a positive force in this world. Mitish, even
in the past few days, I have encountered so many
things to make me cringe about my 'yedilot' nuro. And
yet, I look at my uncle and think, this guy is neither
educated nor rich but he is an inspiration. He works
too jobs, barely has time to sit down and chill with
us but oh mitish, satisfaction is written ALL over his
face. not blabber on about him but it got me thinkin.
And this also goes back to an episode of sex n the
city where Carry mentions how we are always waiting
for the ONE thing that will complete everything. The
ONE could be a guy, a job, a house, a car da da da ...
To get past that, to live to your OWN expectations
(which surprisingly are higher than our loved ones have
of us), to live the life you've always dreamed of, to
be that person in the room who makes others forget
about their problems even for a little while ... to be
all that mitish, we have to fight that MENGA amongst
MENGA fight, mediocrity in all its hideous forms. And
to that effect my love, our emails are an absolute
necessity. muaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ... 'LE'n begugit
itebikalew ...
From Rihana to Feker - Final days in Cairo
> Babe, DC endet yezoshal. So this is what happened -
> i have a paper to hand in about 4 hours, but my
> smart self just figured to ignore that and go
> through old emails. ( the stuff i come up with to
> procrastinate! - and ken gedel becha yezogn
> endaygeba) Becha, here is my point - YOU HAVE TO
> LEAVE MOHO. i'm not kidding. I've decided it's time
> for you to leave, of course until that happens, i'll
> be spending fifty percent of my time in your room,
> philosophizing and not getting my work done. Anchima
> cheresesh enen gedel ketechign. Yabesha mecheresha
> deros!! Wi... yeye kebatarinete yet
> endemiyadersegn... my main point... men hone
> meselesh i was reading your emails i got when i was
> in Cairo and it hit me - we need to get back to
> those days. You know how we were talking the other
> day how vital it is to remind each other of so many
> things so that we won't sink into being MENGAS among
> MENGAS. well the emails were just that - a reminder.
> Not even that, some of the feelings i've forgotten
> about, and it all came back to me while i was
> reading it. It's better than diaries or any of that
> ferenji stuff or anything. and i'll need all of
> that, so that i can have you on my show in a couple
> years and we can have a whole discussion about it.
> Eshi... teru leza beka i just wanted to let you know
> that this email is one of many to come.
> Emails should vary from hearts to brains to bodies
> to spirits to shoes to guys to dinners to Ethiopia
> to Arabs, latino, frenchs, to Guccis to D & Gs...
> everything.... mua mua mua mua my darlin... i'll
> talk to you later...
> i have a paper to hand in about 4 hours, but my
> smart self just figured to ignore that and go
> through old emails. ( the stuff i come up with to
> procrastinate! - and ken gedel becha yezogn
> endaygeba) Becha, here is my point - YOU HAVE TO
> LEAVE MOHO. i'm not kidding. I've decided it's time
> for you to leave, of course until that happens, i'll
> be spending fifty percent of my time in your room,
> philosophizing and not getting my work done. Anchima
> cheresesh enen gedel ketechign. Yabesha mecheresha
> deros!! Wi... yeye kebatarinete yet
> endemiyadersegn... my main point... men hone
> meselesh i was reading your emails i got when i was
> in Cairo and it hit me - we need to get back to
> those days. You know how we were talking the other
> day how vital it is to remind each other of so many
> things so that we won't sink into being MENGAS among
> MENGAS. well the emails were just that - a reminder.
> Not even that, some of the feelings i've forgotten
> about, and it all came back to me while i was
> reading it. It's better than diaries or any of that
> ferenji stuff or anything. and i'll need all of
> that, so that i can have you on my show in a couple
> years and we can have a whole discussion about it.
> Eshi... teru leza beka i just wanted to let you know
> that this email is one of many to come.
> Emails should vary from hearts to brains to bodies
> to spirits to shoes to guys to dinners to Ethiopia
> to Arabs, latino, frenchs, to Guccis to D & Gs...
> everything.... mua mua mua mua my darlin... i'll
> talk to you later...
From Feker to Rihana - Dec 17, 2008
Mitiye, hode, mi love ... endet neshilign? betam
nafkeshignal ... betam betam! Have you ever felt so
lost and so complete at the same time? Mitish, endet
arige explain indemaregewim alakim. Its this weird
state I find myself in ... sort of suspended in space
... so beautifully lost and confused. Let me share
something which I have dubbed 'mcbealism'. Ally Mcbeal
was a T.V. show which I was sort of addicted to when I
was home. In one episode she says
"The real truth is I probably don't want to be too
happy or content. Cuz ... then what? I actually like
the quest, the search. That's the fun. And the more
lost you are the more you have to look forward to.
What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't
even know it."
Now that is something don't you think? Mitiye ... I
said in your note on facebook that vulnerability is
such a beautiful thing. I meant it darlin, I meant it
with all my heart. Another character in the same show
says, explaining why he secretly loves Ally, "She
understands loneliness, and she's not afraid to admit
it." I think like you said, it all boils down to that.
The fear, the beautiful fear of being vulnerable.
Yasferal and yet you can't deny its beauty. Its what
makes us human after all. Lemin indemikebatir alakim
mitish, I'm just in this really weird mood and thought
I would share it with you.
on Mcbealism for a second, I think mitish that IS
my problem. I have this picture in my head, ere
sometimes I even feel it, of what love should be. I
have never encountered anything that even came close
to it. I think I had a psychological breakthrough when
I realize that maybe I don't allow myself that luxury
is because I'm afraid of happiness. Mitiye, I know it
doesn't make ANY sense gin I just can't get the
thought out of my mind. Maybe I'm scared of finding it
and then .... yeah .... then what? For the first time
I understood Nafi and her fear of boredom. Darling ...
beka, I will expect an email and not a short one
either. I have two more exams to go and we're off to
New York and D.C. for break (which for some reason,
I'm not even a tiny tiny bit excited about.)
muaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, can't wait till you come back mi love.
nafkeshignal ... betam betam! Have you ever felt so
lost and so complete at the same time? Mitish, endet
arige explain indemaregewim alakim. Its this weird
state I find myself in ... sort of suspended in space
... so beautifully lost and confused. Let me share
something which I have dubbed 'mcbealism'. Ally Mcbeal
was a T.V. show which I was sort of addicted to when I
was home. In one episode she says
"The real truth is I probably don't want to be too
happy or content. Cuz ... then what? I actually like
the quest, the search. That's the fun. And the more
lost you are the more you have to look forward to.
What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't
even know it."
Now that is something don't you think? Mitiye ... I
said in your note on facebook that vulnerability is
such a beautiful thing. I meant it darlin, I meant it
with all my heart. Another character in the same show
says, explaining why he secretly loves Ally, "She
understands loneliness, and she's not afraid to admit
it." I think like you said, it all boils down to that.
The fear, the beautiful fear of being vulnerable.
Yasferal and yet you can't deny its beauty. Its what
makes us human after all. Lemin indemikebatir alakim
mitish, I'm just in this really weird mood and thought
I would share it with you.
on Mcbealism for a second, I think mitish that IS
my problem. I have this picture in my head, ere
sometimes I even feel it, of what love should be. I
have never encountered anything that even came close
to it. I think I had a psychological breakthrough when
I realize that maybe I don't allow myself that luxury
is because I'm afraid of happiness. Mitiye, I know it
doesn't make ANY sense gin I just can't get the
thought out of my mind. Maybe I'm scared of finding it
and then .... yeah .... then what? For the first time
I understood Nafi and her fear of boredom. Darling ...
beka, I will expect an email and not a short one
either. I have two more exams to go and we're off to
New York and D.C. for break (which for some reason,
I'm not even a tiny tiny bit excited about.)
muaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, can't wait till you come back mi love.
From Feker to Rihana - Dec 2, 2007
Mitiye, I don't know whether to call this a funny
coincidence or a freaky one gin ... yesterday I think,
I was thinking how I kinda missed genaneh and how he's
been behaving so well since I never even heard you
complain about him. Betam yigermal. But at least he
got the appreciation he deserved from two very
ungrateful people before he departed. Is all good ...
(as our pips here would say). Mitish, I understand
what hurt was not loosing him per se gin all that was
in him. Did I tell you that when I got back to MoHo I
lost ALL my stuff in storage. Mitish, I can't even
begin to tell you how devastated I was. In the end I
ended up retrieving the box which had all my personal
momentos, old pictures and stuff like that and
everything was just fine again. I still had to
replenish my winter wardrobe, I literally was left
with NADA. Bicha mitish ... so proud you took it all
in and moved on. (can't say i'm surprised though) ...
this quality in you shall never perish mitish b/c its
soooooooooooooo hard to get as life gets more
complicated and heartbreaks become commonplace. To
quote someone on seleda (she was talking about
habeshoch she admired) " pusit yalu positivoch" and
you personify that. darlin, do you realize its these
very seemingly 'little' frustrations that end up
making us bitter? lemanignawim hode concentrate on the
work now and send me your thoughts when you get a
break. muaaaaaaaaaaaaaah mi love!
coincidence or a freaky one gin ... yesterday I think,
I was thinking how I kinda missed genaneh and how he's
been behaving so well since I never even heard you
complain about him. Betam yigermal. But at least he
got the appreciation he deserved from two very
ungrateful people before he departed. Is all good ...
(as our pips here would say). Mitish, I understand
what hurt was not loosing him per se gin all that was
in him. Did I tell you that when I got back to MoHo I
lost ALL my stuff in storage. Mitish, I can't even
begin to tell you how devastated I was. In the end I
ended up retrieving the box which had all my personal
momentos, old pictures and stuff like that and
everything was just fine again. I still had to
replenish my winter wardrobe, I literally was left
with NADA. Bicha mitish ... so proud you took it all
in and moved on. (can't say i'm surprised though) ...
this quality in you shall never perish mitish b/c its
soooooooooooooo hard to get as life gets more
complicated and heartbreaks become commonplace. To
quote someone on seleda (she was talking about
habeshoch she admired) " pusit yalu positivoch" and
you personify that. darlin, do you realize its these
very seemingly 'little' frustrations that end up
making us bitter? lemanignawim hode concentrate on the
work now and send me your thoughts when you get a
break. muaaaaaaaaaaaaaah mi love!
From Rihana to Feker - Dec 2, 2007
> Mitisha, i'll have to wait to reply to your other
> email yet again. Because a new incident has
> happened. Yesterday i had to be separated from
> Genanew. Darling, tamgnalesh, i was doing work in
> the library and i had moved away from my desk for
> what could not have been for more than 10 minutes,
> when i returned someone had stolen genanew and my
> cell phone. There was absolutely nothing that could
> be done. Mitiye, endet tensekseke endaleksku betayi
> atamgnim neber. and surprisingly, after i came to
> Egypt, i've been soo attached to him and he's been
> behaving wonderfully well. and the funny part was
> that i was thinking this only a couple days ago. I
> take him everywhere i go since all the cafe's here
> have internet access. I had put all my Egypt diaries
> in a beautiful order and had been writing a lot. i
> had put all the pictures( thousands of them) from
> Harar, Addis, Egypt. Darling everything… into thin
> air. I couldn't believe such a thing had happened to
> me. and you know i don't get
> attached to anything. but is was not loosing
> something that's material. You know how i never
> really liked him at first right, gen it just had too
> many things in it. this is aside the fact that i
> have five papers to hand in the next ten days and
> i've lost everything. Mitisha nights of research is
> gone. Ahun meseksek yansegnal.
>
> Gen it also made me realize something. Mitisha
> alhamdulilah, allah teru sew adergo fetrognal, i'm
> not kidding mitisha. it's not about being one way or
> another. I realized i had a good heart and i
> realized how thankful I had to be for being blessed
> with it. Mitisha, there was a kid who was sitting
> in front of me, when i was doing work and when i
> realized what happened i started crying and i asked
> if he had seen anyone. He told me no. I was so
> careful not to be rude so i smiled said ok and left.
> Later on was when my friend brought up the idea that
> he might know a lot more than he let out, i never
> for a second suspected him. But that's not what i
> wanted to say. Tenesh keteregagaw bewhala, you know
> what came to mind. i was not angry at the person who
> took it, the first thing was - maybe whoever took it
> was some kid with a lot of problems, maybe he was
> the only one without a laptop among his friends,
> maybe he wanted money for something very important.
> Mitisha andem i never
> thought a negative thing. i was sad that i had lost
> him forever, but i was never angry. when i realized
> this later, betam des yalegn, i was amazed that i
> had actually thought that way. One thing i hate in
> people is when they are constantly suspicious of
> others. endet endemideberegn. when some of the
> American kids ask me to watch their belongings to go
> to the bathroom or something my reaction is always
> like - wiii enezi demo deros sew mamen mech yawkalu,
> or something like, what now you're in a third world
> country you think everyone is a thief... bla bla
> bla, betam yanadegn neber. Now even though i
> definitely realize how right they are to be careful,
> i also fell in love with my self ( surprise suprise!
> ) for still having faith in other people, for having
> the believe that people are inherently good. No
> matter how unrealistic it may seem for some people
> or crazy, it felt good to believe it. I still do,
> even after hours of crying my eyes out, i told
> myself, well get yourself
> together, no time to waste, get started with all
> the papers, which all my professors expect a great
> one. You can always write (the heart still remains)
> and the pictures, oh well, allah didn't give us
> memories for nothing. Lela demo men aderek, when i
> got too tired of feeling sorry for myself, i called
> my friends and got everyone together and partied all
> night long. It definitely worked. I got home around 3
> am. Slept woke up early in the morning revived with
> a much better attitude and i've been in the library
> since. It still gets to me when i think of writing
> the papers again or when the idea crosses my mind
> that i may not be able to hand in things on time, gen
> i'm sticking through it. ALLAH ALE AYDEL DEMO! who
> said life is perfect and dandy all the time. Becha
> lemanegnawem, it also means i might need to try to
> get some money to buy a new one - a beautiful new
> one. Leza mitisha be terf se'atesh look around and
> please let me know an average price to get a tight
> ass laptop eshi.
> Beka ... ahun yaw bezu gize yelegnem bemhal bemhal
> sarf and if i have stuff to say ( which i probably
> will) i'll email you my love.
>
> muaa muaaa
> email yet again. Because a new incident has
> happened. Yesterday i had to be separated from
> Genanew. Darling, tamgnalesh, i was doing work in
> the library and i had moved away from my desk for
> what could not have been for more than 10 minutes,
> when i returned someone had stolen genanew and my
> cell phone. There was absolutely nothing that could
> be done. Mitiye, endet tensekseke endaleksku betayi
> atamgnim neber. and surprisingly, after i came to
> Egypt, i've been soo attached to him and he's been
> behaving wonderfully well. and the funny part was
> that i was thinking this only a couple days ago. I
> take him everywhere i go since all the cafe's here
> have internet access. I had put all my Egypt diaries
> in a beautiful order and had been writing a lot. i
> had put all the pictures( thousands of them) from
> Harar, Addis, Egypt. Darling everything… into thin
> air. I couldn't believe such a thing had happened to
> me. and you know i don't get
> attached to anything. but is was not loosing
> something that's material. You know how i never
> really liked him at first right, gen it just had too
> many things in it. this is aside the fact that i
> have five papers to hand in the next ten days and
> i've lost everything. Mitisha nights of research is
> gone. Ahun meseksek yansegnal.
>
> Gen it also made me realize something. Mitisha
> alhamdulilah, allah teru sew adergo fetrognal, i'm
> not kidding mitisha. it's not about being one way or
> another. I realized i had a good heart and i
> realized how thankful I had to be for being blessed
> with it. Mitisha, there was a kid who was sitting
> in front of me, when i was doing work and when i
> realized what happened i started crying and i asked
> if he had seen anyone. He told me no. I was so
> careful not to be rude so i smiled said ok and left.
> Later on was when my friend brought up the idea that
> he might know a lot more than he let out, i never
> for a second suspected him. But that's not what i
> wanted to say. Tenesh keteregagaw bewhala, you know
> what came to mind. i was not angry at the person who
> took it, the first thing was - maybe whoever took it
> was some kid with a lot of problems, maybe he was
> the only one without a laptop among his friends,
> maybe he wanted money for something very important.
> Mitisha andem i never
> thought a negative thing. i was sad that i had lost
> him forever, but i was never angry. when i realized
> this later, betam des yalegn, i was amazed that i
> had actually thought that way. One thing i hate in
> people is when they are constantly suspicious of
> others. endet endemideberegn. when some of the
> American kids ask me to watch their belongings to go
> to the bathroom or something my reaction is always
> like - wiii enezi demo deros sew mamen mech yawkalu,
> or something like, what now you're in a third world
> country you think everyone is a thief... bla bla
> bla, betam yanadegn neber. Now even though i
> definitely realize how right they are to be careful,
> i also fell in love with my self ( surprise suprise!
> ) for still having faith in other people, for having
> the believe that people are inherently good. No
> matter how unrealistic it may seem for some people
> or crazy, it felt good to believe it. I still do,
> even after hours of crying my eyes out, i told
> myself, well get yourself
> together, no time to waste, get started with all
> the papers, which all my professors expect a great
> one. You can always write (the heart still remains)
> and the pictures, oh well, allah didn't give us
> memories for nothing. Lela demo men aderek, when i
> got too tired of feeling sorry for myself, i called
> my friends and got everyone together and partied all
> night long. It definitely worked. I got home around 3
> am. Slept woke up early in the morning revived with
> a much better attitude and i've been in the library
> since. It still gets to me when i think of writing
> the papers again or when the idea crosses my mind
> that i may not be able to hand in things on time, gen
> i'm sticking through it. ALLAH ALE AYDEL DEMO! who
> said life is perfect and dandy all the time. Becha
> lemanegnawem, it also means i might need to try to
> get some money to buy a new one - a beautiful new
> one. Leza mitisha be terf se'atesh look around and
> please let me know an average price to get a tight
> ass laptop eshi.
> Beka ... ahun yaw bezu gize yelegnem bemhal bemhal
> sarf and if i have stuff to say ( which i probably
> will) i'll email you my love.
>
> muaa muaaa
From Feker to Rihana - Nov 30, 2007
Mitish ... wouwwwwwwwwoouuu lewere kemechekole
yetenesa I can't even go through the proper
selamtawoch ...
Well where should I start? How about the Co
friend? Woy gudddddddddddd ... let's leave the ____
thing aside ina just on the politics. I
admire mitish, I have utmost respect for him. Endet
arif feeling new? To go after one thing
single-mindedly? The Alchemist ... "To realize one's
destiny is a person's only obligation." (Thanks
mitish, I did read it finally and it fell nothing
short of my expectations). What must it feel like? I'm
sure its the most exhilarating feeling. Good for him
... I just hope I have that for myself too ... Darlin
I have to share this poem with you ... yemirgermew I
picked up the book randomly coming back from Boston
... I was bored with the book I took for the bus trip
and just picked this one up coming back and one poem
in particular, I just can't get out of my head.
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~
Des aylim ... esp. the last stanza or whatever it is
they call it ... ' the only life you could save ...'.
Nways, mitish, movin on ... ___ issue. ine inja
mitish, sometimes i just throw my hands up in
frustration and admit that to try to understand the
motives of some people is just futile, even dangerous
sometimes. ho ho feri lenatu biloal yagere sew ... For
example, I read on the news last night that this 11
month baby died in a country in Africa after being raped by a 20
year old? Ahun ihe min yibalal? mitish you know me ...
I TRY not to be emotional at times like these ... n
you're really my only outlet since you can predict
Nafi's reaction to such things. Gin mitish for some
reason this one just beka pierced my heart. It was
beyond anything I could find a rational explanation
for ... I just kept on trying to imagine how she would
probably fit on my one arm, wrapped in a blanket,
tiklil bila tegnita, her eyes barely visible on her
chubby, dibulbul fit. Ayiyyyy bicha movin on ....
Mitish, I guess tilant I had a breakthrough. So
background to the incident first ... [ and ]had been having some problems, you know mainly
because of the stuff I told you last time, about her
having trust and commitment issues minamin. So she
was feeling REALLY down and I volunteered help
. So I called him minamin, the guy is
really nice and decent mitish, really, but more than
that inja mitisha endet biye hula indemasredash
alakim. I asked himn a few questions and told him that she was really worried about him. He
said he's been having personal problems (I've told you
he's from KK right?) ... and I don't know if
you've been following the story but a similar crisis
to a the 14 year incident happening over there at the
moment. Bicha get this ... the way he described it was
" I can't bear to get out of bed for fear of hearing
something about my family ... any second I fear that
I'm going to receive terrible news". WOYEW! which new
yalkut. When he asked if I understood, mitish, honest
hogne I told him that I won't even pretend to BEGIN to
understand what he's going through. And he said the
reason he's been staying away was because
he's been on his own since childhood and he doesn't
deal with his problems by sharing them with people.
Mitiye, min limelis? Sewinete new yezalew ... I mean
it was nothing new , the lady had told me about it
before gin ... hearing it from him mitiye ... I tried
to imagine him, beka, mitish, bezih alem lay powerless
indemehon min bedel ale? eko min? inja ... bicha, i
changed the subject somehow and told him to call her
blah blah and now they're ok. I guess they talked it
out bedenb. So Mich was with me, we were in the
lib, ina I went back to the study room we were in and
SHE started telling me about her bal and her
relationship minamin. And that's I guess where the
breakthrough came. Mitish ... this tough exterior we
all put on, and this is soooooooo true for me, you
know the 'i really don't care' attitude ... I see it
soooo much in her and I asked her outright if she
really believed in it and she admitted that she
didn't. All of us, in our own little, sometimes
foolish ways, are trying to protect our hearts from
the dreaded 'inkit, dikik, bitin!'. Including me. Gin
mindinew yagere sew yalew ... 'hilm teferto, saytegna
aytaderim'. And here i was 'medeleling' myself that,
really, the reason I don't see or date people is cuz
the 'right' person hasn't come along yet. true to some
extent but .... lelawin legizew hod yifjew biyalew. I
feel like we all try to find that perfection in
another individual when in fact that is IMPOSSIBLE,
hoping that another human would feel that gap, the
yearning for wholeness. Frankly mitish, I still don't
where that would come from gin a mere mortal sure as
hell won't do it.
wedishalew. can't wait to read you soon ...
yetenesa I can't even go through the proper
selamtawoch ...
Well where should I start? How about the Co
friend? Woy gudddddddddddd ... let's leave the ____
thing aside ina just on the politics. I
admire mitish, I have utmost respect for him. Endet
arif feeling new? To go after one thing
single-mindedly? The Alchemist ... "To realize one's
destiny is a person's only obligation." (Thanks
mitish, I did read it finally and it fell nothing
short of my expectations). What must it feel like? I'm
sure its the most exhilarating feeling. Good for him
... I just hope I have that for myself too ... Darlin
I have to share this poem with you ... yemirgermew I
picked up the book randomly coming back from Boston
... I was bored with the book I took for the bus trip
and just picked this one up coming back and one poem
in particular, I just can't get out of my head.
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~
Des aylim ... esp. the last stanza or whatever it is
they call it ... ' the only life you could save ...'.
Nways, mitish, movin on ... ___ issue. ine inja
mitish, sometimes i just throw my hands up in
frustration and admit that to try to understand the
motives of some people is just futile, even dangerous
sometimes. ho ho feri lenatu biloal yagere sew ... For
example, I read on the news last night that this 11
month baby died in a country in Africa after being raped by a 20
year old? Ahun ihe min yibalal? mitish you know me ...
I TRY not to be emotional at times like these ... n
you're really my only outlet since you can predict
Nafi's reaction to such things. Gin mitish for some
reason this one just beka pierced my heart. It was
beyond anything I could find a rational explanation
for ... I just kept on trying to imagine how she would
probably fit on my one arm, wrapped in a blanket,
tiklil bila tegnita, her eyes barely visible on her
chubby, dibulbul fit. Ayiyyyy bicha movin on ....
Mitish, I guess tilant I had a breakthrough. So
background to the incident first ... [ and ]had been having some problems, you know mainly
because of the stuff I told you last time, about her
having trust and commitment issues minamin. So she
was feeling REALLY down and I volunteered help
. So I called him minamin, the guy is
really nice and decent mitish, really, but more than
that inja mitisha endet biye hula indemasredash
alakim. I asked himn a few questions and told him that she was really worried about him. He
said he's been having personal problems (I've told you
he's from KK right?) ... and I don't know if
you've been following the story but a similar crisis
to a the 14 year incident happening over there at the
moment. Bicha get this ... the way he described it was
" I can't bear to get out of bed for fear of hearing
something about my family ... any second I fear that
I'm going to receive terrible news". WOYEW! which new
yalkut. When he asked if I understood, mitish, honest
hogne I told him that I won't even pretend to BEGIN to
understand what he's going through. And he said the
reason he's been staying away was because
he's been on his own since childhood and he doesn't
deal with his problems by sharing them with people.
Mitiye, min limelis? Sewinete new yezalew ... I mean
it was nothing new , the lady had told me about it
before gin ... hearing it from him mitiye ... I tried
to imagine him, beka, mitish, bezih alem lay powerless
indemehon min bedel ale? eko min? inja ... bicha, i
changed the subject somehow and told him to call her
blah blah and now they're ok. I guess they talked it
out bedenb. So Mich was with me, we were in the
lib, ina I went back to the study room we were in and
SHE started telling me about her bal and her
relationship minamin. And that's I guess where the
breakthrough came. Mitish ... this tough exterior we
all put on, and this is soooooooo true for me, you
know the 'i really don't care' attitude ... I see it
soooo much in her and I asked her outright if she
really believed in it and she admitted that she
didn't. All of us, in our own little, sometimes
foolish ways, are trying to protect our hearts from
the dreaded 'inkit, dikik, bitin!'. Including me. Gin
mindinew yagere sew yalew ... 'hilm teferto, saytegna
aytaderim'. And here i was 'medeleling' myself that,
really, the reason I don't see or date people is cuz
the 'right' person hasn't come along yet. true to some
extent but .... lelawin legizew hod yifjew biyalew. I
feel like we all try to find that perfection in
another individual when in fact that is IMPOSSIBLE,
hoping that another human would feel that gap, the
yearning for wholeness. Frankly mitish, I still don't
where that would come from gin a mere mortal sure as
hell won't do it.
wedishalew. can't wait to read you soon ...
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