Mitiye, i know this blog is long overdue, and sadly it's really not even going to be an actual fully written text. I'll be going out in a couple of minutes, but i figured i should put a few words rather than non at all. It sure feels like it has been a long time.
I will not try to even attempt to explain what i'm feeling, or what i've been feeling for the past couple of days. Could i call it confusion? Maybe. But this is more...serious? It is somehow feeling lost... somehow being so unsure?... not unsure, maybe a feeling of floating in the air with no apparent direction. I feel so unsettled.
I hate feeling this way especially know that Mamo has been nothing but wonderful to me. but my brain seems to be going off to places way to often. I also feel terrible, since i'm in no way ready for ramadan which is suppose to start a day after tomorrow.
A couple days ago i got an email from Agu. He was responding to one of my emails and you know what he said to me? He said " Johan, i sense that your 'and shi amet ayenor' attitude has left you." You know what? He is right. Before, even when i was feeling like that attitude was leaving me,it wasn't all that bad because i, at least, could recall that i had such an attitude. Welahi Mitisha, when he said it to me this time, i felt like he was talking about a different person - i had forgotten that i was infact like that. In a wierd way those very simple and seemingly narrowminded words had been part of who i was, and that part had been a fabulous part of me. What happened? Has this country already gotten deep in my vains in already a few years to change my very being? Am i going to wake up every ones in a couple years to realize that i've lost one or another part of me. Am i going to wake up one day having lost the very best part of me - my very essence?
My thoughts are flying everywhere and Oh God i have a million and one things to tell you. I'm so scared to start off this year. who am i going to go to when i need to vent, when i need to just dis everything and everyone off. Welayi, mechem allah alegn, men elalew. I'm still not registered for classes, and for some reason i feel so unsure of everything - in regards to school - It's just wierd. I'm hoping ones i settle in my dorm i'll have more things figured out, insha allah. But you sure will be missed, my love. No words can tell you how much.
Oh God, you know what else. Mitiye, one thing i use to love about myslef ( ofcourse it's one among many lol) was that i was satisfied with who i was, what i was becoming, and what i had. In a wierd sort of way, i was content. I use to imagine being asked by someone - " if you could be reborn again, who would you want to come back as?" And i would imagine myself, smiling and looking fabulous, answer - " myself" and believing it a hundred persent!!! It has been a while since i have had this conversation in my head, and when i even get the guts to ask it, i hear myself saying "myself" but not believing it. The funny part is that for the normal eye, i am at a much more "better" place than i was three years ago. shouldn't i be more content? shouldn't i be happier?
Becha Mitiye, i think Mamo is ready to go out. I can't wait til i get to a better place to write more. I should go, I love you.
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