From Rihana to Feker - Oct 2007

> Darlin, you sound like be arif huneta busy honeshal.> which is really great. I am very surprised to hear> about Mich. Betam Betam new yegeremegn... i> guess bezu selematemegn seleneber new meselegn...> Never judge a book by it's cover new yemibalew...> i'm surprised in the best possible sense... and oh> yeah, i've actually been reading all the emails> floating between our Mechasawoch and APAU... I knew> it was going to be a huge deal the way those emails> where being sent every couple of minutes and> meetings being called constantly... yaw> endemetawkiew i'm on the same boat with you... i> have a hard time making a huge deal out of it...> that Cindi Pincus sure knows how to menkat the worse> kusel... very narrow minded i must say tho...> > Darling... there is soooooo much i want to say> right now... i'm honestly going to try... i'm> feeling i don't even know... these past couple of> days have been crazy, i guess i've been partying a> lot and meeting way too many people, but within the> hectic hours of me "enjoying" everything... mitiye> i'm learning so much about myself, it scares me. The> things i've been doing and worse yet the way i've> been feeling about these things... Mitisha the> reason i've been happy all my life isn't because i> was never hurt, it was because i never let it affect> me and when it does, i unconsciously hide it in a> place when even i wouldn't even know where to find it> ever again. Mitisha my ability not to feel pain> scares me. My conviction of not expecting a single> thing from a single soul, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE,> shakes my soul to the very core. That's why i can't> help but try to find Allah in my life. > Even now i had promised myself to try to express> myself as much as i can... but my vocabs have> disappeared into thin air... i can't do it....> tamgnalesh mitisha... i lie in my diary - I don't> know who i think i'm lying to. It's this need of> wanting to feel "normal" about the things that i> feel... i sometimes go back and read them and my> whole being knows i'm lying... but still i don't> admit it... I think at the end of the day i've had> full control of my life and i can never give that> up, i don't know how... mitisha if i was able to> tell you certain things... you'd be scared for me> too. I can't imagine having a relationship with> someone in the real sense of the word, cuz ones i> enter that stage i know what i'm seeking in my life> will be outside of myself - mitisha people don't> deliver. If i ever get disappointed in a relationship> (notice disappointed - NOT hurt - that's an> impossibility) i would completely shut myself up and> would end up torturing all the men which misfortunes> might have brought into my life. I would have total control,> men having absolutely no effect over me. Men> endemigermegn tawkiyalesh? This would not mean i> won't have the traditional life style... the> husband, kids... but i would have to find a new> definition... to the word relationship... > I hope what i'm mekebatering is making sense ...> cuz at the end of the day i am happy ... at least in> the way i define happiness... but sometimes... for a> fraction of a second ... i get a clear idea of my> true self... and then it's gone ... i'm happy again> ...> > Other than my philosophical self, i'm doing> good... the time seems to be flying by so fast and> i'm still not looking forward to come to MHC. In> fact i'm dreading it. Miti's and your existence are> the two things that are making me feel ok about> it... other than that nothing... I still have a lot> to say, but i've run out of the guts to say them ...> I have a lot of work to do, but i'm not doing it...> wiiii mitisha leben amognal... i'll talk to u> soon...